Canned Spinach Anyone?

When I was 10 years old in 1976, I watched a movie with my mom on cable TV called Beyond The Door. I remember watching it and my memories of it were that it was terrifying. I believe I started watching it with her in her bedroom when the movie had been on for a while so I don’t believe I ever watched the entire thing.

Recently I decided that it was time that I see this movie again so I rented it and boy oh boy was I surprised at what I saw. It was the most preposterous thing ever….so I’ll give you some highlights.

It starts with this woman named Jessica played by Juliet Mills (Nanny and the Professor)

is driving down the street with her two monstrous children a boy and a girl in a convertible. The children are really hideous looking and the boy is drinking a can of Campbells Pea Soup with a straw (which is pretty much all he is seen eating throughout the movie) – figure that one out people. And the little girl is reading the book Love Story that she obsessively reads in almost every scene. Both of the kids curse at each other like drunken sailors and they have the most despicable dispositions. It seems as though making them have such loathsome language was an afterthought or maybe they didn’t want to make the children say these things because all of the foul language was dubbed in over what their mouths are actually saying…how innovative.

The woman finds out she’s pregnant with her third child and gives her music producer husband the news that despite that fact that she’s been on the pill, she is going to give birth to another shameful creature as if the two foul mouthed hellions they have and totally ignore already weren’t enough. The fact that the husband is a music producer gives an excuse to add long padding shots of rehearsals. Does this add anything to this movie? Nope!

Shortly after that she starts acting like a bitch from hell with bipolar syndrome to everyone and also throw up gallons of blood into the bathroom sink while her husband gapes at her, and then when she’s done proceeds to tell her everything will be alright while he wipes the strings of blood from her chin….aw how romantic.

We then discover that her ex boyfriend who has been following the husband around town and is played by Richard Johnson (who looks 20 years older than her)

and is a Satanist was the one who impregnated her with the Antichrist. Whooo hooo! This should start getting interesting….right?

Jessica’s doctor informs her that her fetus is mutating at an unnaturally fast rate. She proceeds to yell at the doctor in a very deep unnatural sounding voice that no one will interfere with the birth of the child and it MUST BE BORN! The doctor sits in his chair and stares at her and asks her if she’s all right?

It’s most likely not a good pregnancy when the baby is growing super fast and is making you vomit blood, ya think?

One scene had her husband walking down the street perplexed on what he should do and some people start following him down the street and one guy is following playing some really stupid sounding music on a flute with his nose; this scene goes on and on and on and was pure and absolute torture to sit through…but yeah pretty damn funny. That booger flute was something I didn’t even know existed…I guess that’s the one thing I learned from this movie.

I hope no one mistakes this for a mouth flute after this guys uses it!

Jessica starts acting like a major abomination and does really freaky things speaking in the devil voice and asking “Who are Youuuuu?” to every single person a million times when they enter her room as her people just hang around scratching their heads.

WHOOOO AAAAAAARE YOUUUUUUUUU?????

Something that looks like watery canned spinach

seeps slowly out of her mouth and then she proceeds to stick her claws in it and lick it off as if it were the most delicious delicacy, yum yum while laughing uncontrollably (this particular scene is shown multiple times throughout the film as if one time weren’t enough). She floats around the room in an upright position while her son stares at her. 

Her head spins around while she is lying there on the bed. She throws people around like rag dolls. She’s placed in a nut coat with wires attached to her head…nice!

The kids dolls come to life and sing the most absurd children’s ABC song I have ever heard,

while the daughter throws a huge plate of flan on the ceiling.

I won't give away the ending because I am sure everyone will want to see this movie after reading this.

This movie is a total rip off of what actually happened to me and Rosemary's Baby.

Here's the trailer for your viewing pleasure.

 Yours truly with peas,

Filthy Regan

  

Originally posted on April 11, 2010