Wednesday, May 29, 2013

RIP OUT YOUR TONGUE AND VOMIT INTO THIS BAG





Back in the 70's, during the golden age of exploitation, a movies worth and reputation was not so much based on whether the film was good or bad but more so on its ad campaign. Claims like "the most terrifying film you will ever see" or "this movie will make you shit your pants" would surely translate into box office gold or brown.

By the way, I made up the last one but wouldn't that be a great way to lobby for the public to see a film? Maybe have the theater lay plastic covers over the seats on the far off shot that these ads were correct.




All a movie really needs to attract attention and appear interesting enough is an interesting hook to grab viewers. Stephen King once referred to The Evil Dead as "The most ferociously original horror film of the year." Hey, it worked for me. I'm quite certain it caught the attention of many other film goers as well.





That whole Blair Witch nonsense had already garnered its reputation and word of mouth went threw the roof well before the movie itself was released thanks to internet interest. There was surely a film suffering from what Flavor Flav would have called "Don't believe the hype-itis."


My personal favorite ad campaign ever of any film was for the 1972 Wes Craven classic Last House on the Left. Ads and posters boasted "To avoid fainting keep repeating..... it's only a movie. It's only a movie. It's only a movie."

I often wondered if anybody was ever really driven to those extremes and possibly traumatized by viewing this film. I mean, it's pretty cheesy by todays standards. The rape scene is fairly intense, but a movie like Irreversible or I Spit on your Grave trounces this film on those merits. Last House on the Left is still a classic though and towers over that shitty remake they just did.




I remember when I was a kid and my parents were convinced that it was cool enough for them to take me to see The Exorcist. Before we went they gave me a speech about how people were passing out, flipping out and throwing up in the aisles. Of course you can imagine this made me want to see it all the more.

While I have grown rather fond of this film in recent years, I must admit that at the initial time I saw The Exorcist I found it rather dull and laughable. Well undeserving of all the hype it generated. I guess the thing my parents neglected to contemplate while lecturing me on prevention steps to not being traumatized by Linda Blair jabbing a crucifix into her unholiest of holies was that by the time I had seen The Exorcist I had already seen Suspiria, Jungle Holocaust, Dawn of the Dead, Zombie and countless other far more vile and self proclaimed disturbing films.




People's senses can be a tender area. It's okay if someone gets a little sweaty and jumpy here and there. I never could figure out why people were honking in the aisles though. Maybe this was an homage to pea soup courtesy of my Filthy Regan and her uninhibited digestive tract. Over the years I just came to believe that it was all a farce. Good ad campaigning. Shit, that's great ad campaigning there. Although maybe not to the ushers who had to clean up the chunks. But I mean, if I read somewhere that a movie was making people literally sick in their movie seats, I would be purchasing a ticket faster than you can say "feed me Seymour."



A good ad campaign can make a films reputation and give people something to remember for a long time. Many times the films reputation is far greater than that of the movie itself. A good movie can be remembered as a great movie simply based on a genius ad campaign.




Mark of the Devil is absolutely a film that will be remembered and discussed for years to come. As it should be. Even though the selling point was a little overstated. Okay, a lot then.

Released in 1970 when the craze of movies about witch hunters were in vogue, this movie claimed to be the one that went further than all of the other films. The first movie to be rated V for violence. The theater owners even handed out vomit bags to the audience upon purchasing a ticket.




I somehow missed this one in its run and I would only have a vomit bag passed down to me from a friend and have to discover this gem of a film on home video many years later.



An orgy of torture and violence that splashes across the screen in blood splattering glory, all the while claiming to be authenticated and based upon actual cases from history. The movie even was filmed in a castle, where it is said that these atrocities carried out in the story did in fact happen in real life many hundreds of years ago.



Herbert Lom is probably best remembered for being Peter Sellers' superior, Chief Inspector Dreyfus, in the Pink Panther movies. Prior to appearing in most of those films he played in this German made production. He plays a mad count in 18th century Austria. Driven by his impotency, he deems various townspeople to be guilty in practicing witchcraft or black magic and sentences them to various forms of torture to extract confessions before punishing them by death.




He is aided by his assistant, who is played by Udo Kier. A longtime staple of many b-movies, Mr. Kier will always have a special place in my dark heart for appearing in Blood for Dracula and Flesh for Frankenstein, two of my favorites from way back when.





These two men inflict various methods of torture on people who are clearly innocent and its all fine and dandy until the assistant falls in love with a young peasant girl, who is herself accused of being a witch and thrown in jail.



The film is a lot of fun as people are whipped, stretched, crushed, decapitated and burned. One poor girl even has her tongue cut out in one of the best scenes. Regardless of the reputation that its garnered the movie is not nearly as graphic as one would like to expect. Maybe by the standards of its day these acts were considered ghastly, but as todays violence in cinema standards are concerned, the whole thing is fairly tame.

But beyond the boasts of being horrifying and graphic, the movie itself is actually quite enjoyable and I highly suggest anybody into this sort of thing to give it a look. In fact, this movie and Vincent Price's even better film, Witchfinder General aka The Conqueror Worm, would make the perfect double feature for a night of movie fun.





Back when it was released this movie and its shocking elements of violence and torture were used to sell each and every viewer on buying a ticket. I believe today that the best way to get the most enjoyment out of this movie is to ignore all the hype and just watch it for what it really is. A damn good movie.








****Original post date 4/15/2010****

Monday, May 27, 2013

Get Your Worm off of that Nun!

“This fearful worm would often feed on cows and lamb and sheep,
And swallow little babes alive when they lay down to sleep.
So John set out and got the beast and cut it into halves,
And that soon stopped it eating babes and sheep and lambs and calves.”


–Lyrics to “The D’Ampton Worm” from The Lair of the White Worm


I am always seeking out anything that is bizarre and freaky and horror that has these two qualities are especially tantalizing to me. When my Manitou beast told me about a movie called The Lair of the White Worm (1988)....
...it really pulled on my peculiar strings and I was very curious about it. So recently I took this film in and I must say it was quite entertaining in, yep you guessed it, a peculiar way.

The film was written and directed by Ken Russell,
and if you know anything of his work, you’ll understand how odd it can be. His style is usually quite controversial in nature.

To me, this movie is not scary at all but just takes your mind on a trip through a cheesy but twisted, Gothic fantasy world. I mean, who knows, some people might consider this movie to be horrific because of its disturbing nature…I guess it just depends on the person. Just beware that this movie is oozing with sexual and religious connotations.
So the movie stems around two sisters who run a Bed & Breakfast Inn on the British countryside, and there is an archaeological dig taking place on the grounds. Hugh Grant plays the boyfriend of one of the sisters.
The man who is doing the digging finds a large skull artifact that is assumed to be a dinosaur’s of some sort.

Then a strange woman who lives in a nearby mansion appears and sneaks into the house and upon seeing a crucifix on the wall has this reaction (one of my favorite parts)…nice!  I mean WOW such spew precision!  I am so sloppy compared to this squirty bitch.
And while she’s there she takes the skull because it is actually NOT a Dino skull but rather the skull of a great worm that she happens to worship.

Then when one of the sisters returns to the Inn she notices the liquid on the cross and goes to touch it and immediately has an extremely crazy hallucination of nuns being beaten and raped

and of a man on a cross with a worm thing wrapped around him and munching on his arm…yum.

This strange woman starts having some sadistic fun with some of the men and boys in the neighborhood
and she starts to show her true monstrous colors, and that be blue.
She also kidnaps one of the sisters who just happens to be a virgin at which time the woman is seen walking around with a very phallic looking horn strapped to her lower extremities….yikes!

Pretty much whoever gets bitten turns into a vicious vampire-like monster….including the town policeman.
All in all this movie was fun to watch and very entertaining and yeah it was pretty wildly strange.
I also want to throw in the fact that it was kinda hard for me to understand everything the characters were saying because of the heavy British accents, BUT really, the dialog doesn’t play too much of a factor in this movie in my eyes.

I’ll send you off with a clip of one of my favorite Hugh Grant scenes.
 
Signed,
Filthy Regan 
 
Originally Posted on
 

You do the Forward-Bend and I'll do the Back-Bend

***Warning - this blog is pretty much a complete spoiler of the movie The Last Exorcism.
 
As some of you know I am Regan. I am THE one and only Regan…yep the ultimate in filth.  And if you’re a horror movie fan you will know me from the movie that was made about ME ME ME….The Exorcist (1973). And recently there has been released a movie that is somehow trying to claim the spotlight from the infamous me called The Last Exorcism. When I heard this and saw the previews I was revolted by the thought. So today I ventured out to see this movie for myself.
One thing I wasn’t aware of before seeing this movie was that it was done like a documentary. Yup…if you’re thinking Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity format you’re on the right track. Oh yeah and also, there’s been a lot of talk about this movie really pushing the envelope when it comes to its PG13 rating. When I hear PG13 in the same sentence as a horror movie…I am very reluctant that it will even come close to causing any kind of enjoyment from me. So here goes my thoughts…

It focuses on a handsome family man Reverend Cotton Marcus played by Patrick Fabian

who is being interviewed about his upbringing as a preacher. His father was one and thus he became one. He goes into how his faith disappeared as he got older but his fascination with exorcisms grew. He reads an article in the newspaper about how a priest suffocated a child to death who had autism, but was believed to be possessed. He then decided that although he no longer believed in God he would begin his new quest of “pretending” to perform exorcisms on children to save them from being harmed.

Reverend Cotton gets many letters from people requesting his massive exorcism expertise, which of course unbeknown to them is a huge farce and so anyway they pay out of the ass for it. So he gets a letter marked URGENT that claims a man’s daughter is possessed because she is killing all of his livestock. And so begins a venture of ‘EXORCISMIC’  fraud proportions and the camera crew gets to tag along.

As they drive up to the farm they are met by a red headed kid who tells them to turn around and leave…then proceeds to throw dirt bombs at the vehicle. Yeah I know the picture’s small but that’s him.

And so he meets the man of the house who then shows him his mutilated livestock and the bloody skirt to go along with it. So yeah, since his daughter is the only one who wears a skirt….hmmm or maybe his son may be other than something he thought, his daughter must be possessed!

Then we get to meet the girl Nell (Ashley Bell), the possessed one.

She seems very sweet and innocent. And in a little girl syrupy voice she tells them she too believes she is killing the animals, but has no recollection of doing it once it’s done.

And so the Reverend agrees that she desperately needs the demons cast from her and he is the man for the job. He proceeds to tell the father that she is possessed by a demon (I can’t remember the name) that’s defiles young innocent women and the only way to stop it is to kill her or perform the exorcism.

We see that the Reverend has many props to add to the show, which is really pretty damn funny and had me laughing. He shows us how he makes the bed shake and how he produces demonic sounds to add to the family’s awe of his exorcism capabilities.

So he performs the fake exorcism which includes lots of screaming and demonic noises and bed shaking….all falsified.

Then he collects his money (lots of it) from the father and leaves to stay overnight with the crew in a nearby hotel.

That night Nell decides to show up at the hotel in Cotton’s room and the crew is running down the hallway to get it on film. Nell is acting all stupid and sexy and trying to lick the female crew member on the shoulder….and then she spits up something that looked a lot like creamed corn…


oooooooooo scary!!

After some other happenings like:

  • Slicing her brothers face with a knife
  • Trying to drown her baby doll in the bathtub while making retarded infant crying noises.
  • The crew hearing conversations in her room even though she’s the only one in there
  • Looking like this...
 
  • Acting like this...looks like football to me!
  • Stealing the camera and going out into the barn and completely obliterating a cat…and all the while never dropping the camera.
  • Never changing her filthy bloody nightgown for days on end
...it is decided that another exorcism is needed because HELL the first one didn’t work! So we are treated to another one YAY…only this time it’s in the barn and there are no props from Reverend Cotton. Hmmmm seems like Cotton may be getting his faith back???
This exorcism scene has a few things…..a very looooooong conversation with the Reverend while she is doing THE back bend.  She talked and gabbed.........................................
And gave an evil grin...........
ARE YA BORED YET????  yeah well so was I....

Blah blah blah…I can’t even remember what the hell she said…. 


Yeah you get the point…little did we know that she was a contortionist oooo scary!!! …..I have to admit…she does a better back-bend than I do…

Oh and if you have seen this picture around forget it because nothing of the sort ever happens.

Oh yeah and somewhere in there she also does a split…oooo scary…splits can be painful if you’re not limber!

Somewhere in there we find out that she is pregnant…and she blames it on a boy in a nearby cafĂ© who upon being interviewed says he is gay and does not like those kind of holes.
Soooo HELL it must be Satan that impregnated her!

The ending takes place out in the woods at night where there is a major Satan ritual going on and Nell is lying on a table giving birth and out pops something small and red and screaming like you would think Satan’s child would ummm scream. The crew is filming this in complete astonishment.

So the head chief Satan lover in a red hooded robe takes the Satan child from between her legs and throws it into the fire and the fire plumes upward really high (not sure what that meant) and Reverend Cotton walks towards the fire holding a big giant cross saying something like “YOU BIG FAT NASTY SATAN. I’M GONNA KICK YOUR NASTY ASS AND STICK THIS CROSS UP YER HINEY!” well I don’t remember exactly what he said anyway…but he said something.

And the crew starts running away for a very long time while we get to be nauseated by all of the movement from the camera. Looked like a scene from the Blair Witch project only much worse.

Then the son pops out from behind a tree and slices the cameraman and the cameraman falls down along with the camera onto a pile of lovely stones…and the credits begin.

All I can say is….FUCK this movie sucked and it should have been rated PG. Oh yeah and no one wears a filthy nightgown better than ME!


Signed,
Filthy Regan

Originally Posted on

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Flesh Eating Hell Baby

Since I am such a sucker for young evil things I recently ventured to watch the movie It’s Alive (2008).
Now I remember when I was around 9 or so I went to a sleepover party and all of us giggly girls watched It’s Alive (1974) on cable as we snuggled down in our little sleeping bags on the floor.  This movie absolutely fascinated me. I mean how the hell can a baby be so evil - wow what a complete trip to watch this little putrid looking thing with a claw for a hand, rip people apart.
I remember one of the girls at the party had to leave the room because she was getting too upset,

 
but not me - this was my kind of movie and I was in pure bloody paradise. I was glad as a 9-year-old child that I didn’t have any baby siblings; I was the youngest and as it turns out, would be the evilest myself, but my mom still loved me.
So It’s Alive 2008 was a pleasant rotten surprise for me. The movie moves at a quick pace and doesn’t become boring at all in my opinion. It’s not one of the best horror movies but it definitely held my attention throughout the entire thing. This movie did not get good reviews otherwise as I can tell, but for me, I actually thought it was okay.
This movie surely demonstrates a mother’s unconditional love for her baby,
regardless in this case, of how many people parts the little brat uses as its teething toy leaving them behind in a shredded bloody mess.
The mother is played by Bijou Phillips
who I think has a really annoying voice but other than that she was alright. As her little devil baby continues to grow at an alarming rate and leave a trail of dead animals and humans behind,
she just seems to be okay with it all but is battling depression all at the same time.  The devil baby became this way because the mother tried to take the morning after abortion pills and they failed, thus the vile creature was formed and transformed into the demon child with a thirst for blood.  Here's a lovely picture of the umbilical cord being cut.
Although I don’t highly recommend this movie I do lightly recommend it…maybe it’s just because I have a soft decaying spot in my pea soup filled heart for wicked young ones. 

Signed,
Filthy Regan


Originally Posted on