RAT DISHES

*****A guest blog by Ben the Rat Blogger. Original post date 8/10/2010*****

I always Bust ass on puny humans. I mean, you are humans. Humanity is a Cancer. It's a shit stain on the shorts of life. It's that nugget of almond joy that simply will not flush itself into the sewer system no matter how many times you pull the chain or drop the handle.

There are certainly numerous reasons why humanity is like a rank fart that rips and roars in an elevator and just when the elevator becomes trapped between floors the fart splishes and splashes and becomes a near bowel movement for all who shall be trapped to enjoy. Or not.

One thing that I can never understood about humans is all the crazy shit that you eat. Cows, Pigs, Deer, Snakes, Sharks, Bugs, Bison. I hate all these animals as much as anybody else. Some more than others obviously. I could care less what you filthy scum put into your bodies and excrete out. Hell, for all I care you can just leave it in there.

In some parts of the world cats are a favored delicacy. You surely will never see any compassion or complaining on my part there.

Yeah Yeah Yeah, I get it.... You think the world revolves around you and that you own everything and that animals are inferior to all of you. The feeling is obviously mutual here on this end.

But you people do one thing I just shake my head in bewilderment and repulsion over. You eat each other. Seriously, WTF?!

Animals kill for food and survival and because it's instinct. But we don't kill for sport and we don't kill for pleasure and we certainly DO NOT kill and eat our own species. Well, some do. But they are idiots. Like people are idiots. It all makes about as much sense as some of the other things people do like vote or blog for your SEX. 

Cannibalism has been around for as long as there have been bodies to hack up and prepare for barbecue and consumption over a warm campfire.

The Cannibal lifestyle is largely popular in jungles with tribes that dress up in stupid looking garb and use the eating of flesh as some kind of ritual to invoke power and satisfy a hunger that exists more so in the mind than in the stomach. It's gonna run like a jogger from your anus no matter how you size it or theorize it. That is the best part though.

The whole thing just seems like an otherwise ridiculous practice to me..... this dining on man or lady meat. But whether raw or roasted, a hefty bowel movement is sure to follow, and we all know there is nothing quite like shitting in the jungle. It's pretty high up there on the awesome scale.

As evidenced many times, what happens in the jungle doesn't stay in the jungle and cannibalism has long since made its home invasion.

Now don't get me wrong, I could care less how you fill that void or silence those stomach pains and truthfully, the fact that humans will eat the meat and flesh and nibble on the bones of their own kind is rather amusing to me. I like to think of it as a tasty form of population control.

But, you humans can never be satisfied with eating animals that have been raised for slaughter or even each other and I guess it was only a matter of time before you started looking at us Rats as your next tasty treat.

It was well known that while in the throes of battle with each other and being forced to hide out in areas largely populated with vermin that hunger and desperation set in and you ate us Rats by will of nature. Survival of the fittest. I get that. I would never justify it. But I certainly can wrap my head around the concept more so than someone just wanting to feast on a Vermin carcass out of sheer avarice.

We are riddled with filth and germs. Sizzling and consuming the flesh and meat of our bodies is not a healthy idea. Not that I am at all concerned for the sake of humanity. More so about you fuckers eating my kinfolk.

Still in some of the dingier countries where rampant hunger prevails the governement has mandated the digesting of rats to appease ones appetite.

The old schoolers used to just grab one of our furry little bodies and pop it in their mouth.

No baking. No spices or flavor enhancers. Just slop and pop. Rats are chewy. More so if you don't remove the bones. Our bone structures might be small, but they are more complex than you are aware of and unless you gulp and swallow, the ratty pulp can take hours for the flimsy dental configuration that exists within the mouths of a human being to properly break down a rat skeleton.

This of course can be a choking hazard. Once again, my intentions are not to alarm humans to risks that shall protect them but merely protect the brothers and sisters of my Rat clan that you might one day find yourself wishing to sizzle up on a hot plate.

A little FYI for the gourmet whose tastes might lean more so towards the avant-garde.... Cat meat has a slimey base and is much easier to swallow even if its not cooked thoroughly. There is that demographic who prefer the stew or kabobs, but the average person who eats a cat simply employs that slop and pop method of action as well.

I have never eaten the actual pulp or meat of a cat. But I did chew ones legs off because the motherfucker pissed me off. Cat meat seems to have a sort of odd sweetness to it. Somewhat akin to a more bitter pumpkin pie flavoring. These furry bastards shed constantly, so you are obviously going to get some fur between your teeth. Seems to beat chewing on the same glob of Ratty Meat for an extended period though. So I am told.

Also do know that should you ever find yourself chewing on an improperly devoured Rat as a meal, the bones of the Ratcage do not break themselves down easily. When gourmet chefs prepare Rat dishes they must remove the Ratcage in its entirety because the bones are like a maze and should the pieces of the Ratcage become dislodged in the throat of a human.... Yep, the real fun begins.

In fact, the more that I am thinking about it.... Scratch that last part. Eat the Ratcage. It's the best part. Yum.

As tastes have become more sophisticated and methods of cooking practice have advanced, there has been all sorts of growth in the way in which you pathetic human scum devour us purveyors of vileness and disease.

I am guessing that some people seem to believe that if you cook the meat properly the germs and filth shall be cleansed from the meal. Guess again fuckers.

Its simple, if you eat one of us you are going to become very sick and die. Most likely the disease and filth that we carry within our brilliant immune systems shall invade your precious temple of a body and your insides shall slowly rot outward and eventually claim your flesh. It's pretty cool actually the more that I think about it.

This is all of course unless you manage to gobble up on some freakishly domesticated house rodent that has been born and raised free of the filth and germfare that truly makes a Rat a Rat. But these fuckers are posers and fake vermin and if they are afforded a life of spoil the chances are that their devoted masters and mistresses shall never give them up to be flambe'd.

Instead, one of my kind that lives a real Rat life and actually works for and earns its riches out on the streets and in the sewers shall be stalked and captured and served up as a tasty treat for some worthless human scum in any of your hideous recipes that use our tasty filthy meat to accent the flavor. 

In between laughing at, and pointing out the drooling pointlessness of one of your pornography bibles, I managed to sneak myself a peak at the vermin section in a gourmet manual. These were a few of the more vomitous, to my kind, dishes that I discovered.



Rat Burgers.

This dish has invaded Chophouses all over the globe. A Rat is deboned and mashed into a meat patty. In the more upscale establishments certain parts of the Rat are sliced out or off and then disposed of. The eyes, the lips, the nose, the tail, the asshole, and the feet. In the sleazier joints they just toss it all in and it's bon appetit'. Waste not want not I guess. 





Rat Sausage.

The head is severed and the body of the Rat is tossed into a grinding apparatus and minced to a squishy pulp. No parts are spared here. You get the Rat, The whole Rat, and nothing but the Rat.

The pulp is then stretched and shaped into the form of the popular Kielbasa sausage. The head is re-attached and decorated with garnish and the full anatomy of the Rat is served up on a plate and displayed as if to give the apprearence of the Rat to punctuate length rather than girth. It's typical of that human scum rationalization that bigger is better, and that fat is just not considered appealing.

Truth is that a Fat Rat is a Healthy Rat. Rats are wired differently than humans and the proportion of the portion is par for the cheese to spread the disease.

There has also been speculation that if something is chopped up and mashed into submission it shall be deemed a heftier rationing and satisfy that greedy gut you humans call a soul.

It should also be noted that in some restaurants the Rats are not even snuffed out before preparation has commenced and these poor creatures are just thrown alive into the grinder to their fate.

Food for thought.... Rats accept their fate with dignity unlike humans, so these noble vermin welcome death in peace and do not scream like a bitch as humans do when they so much as break a thumb nail. I'd love to see how much a human cries as they are lowered into the grinding jaws of a large pulverizing mechanism. 



Rat Kabobs.

This is by far the most vile and invermin method of consuming our bodies for your hunger pleasure. The Rat is gutted and flayed to make the skin resemble a small fur coat. Of course the meat is left dangling from the inner walls of the skin. You humans seem to be obsessed with meat, and when dishing up cuisine, the more the merrier. If there is no meat involved then why bother would seem to be your philosophy.

Once the meaty combination of Rat exterior and adjoining interior has been laid out, a large stick is then shoved through the Remnants of the Rat via forced insertion into the remaining outer rims of the anal cavity. The Rat is then roasted slowly over a grill. The flames do char and soften up the Rats flesh, but do know that germs and disease have not been entirely eliminated from the gutting of the body and do have an ability to cling to the inner walls of the Rats skin.

Food for thought for vegetarians... all vegetable dishes have meat residue and juices sprayed on them from being in the kitchen right next to cows or pigs or whatever other animal is being prepared simultaneously. Keep telling yourself that you are feeding your heart and not your stomach with your principles that resemble thinly veiled denial and maybe when you contract internal disease from ingesting Rat juices from one of these Rat kabobs spraying all over your beanstalk you can remember that you read it here first. 



Rat Salad.

I actually had a friend named Big Louie who was lowered unmercifully into a Rat chipper and made into this dish that has become quite a popular delicacy in South America. The guy who ate Big Louie was trying to feed his family from his job working at a Slaughterhouse and he got sloppy drunk all the time and used to torment all the Rats who liked to nibble on the hunks of meat before they were packaged and processed for distribution.

The asshole was in some stupid heavy metal band and he lost his voice one day in the recording studio and suggested the band play on without him and title the recording they made Rat Salad. I hope that fucker dies a painful death for what he did to Big Louie and how terribly his stupid band mocked my friend.

For Rat Salad, the pieces of the Rat are then molded into ball like shapes after being crunched into spew through the chipper. Once again, with the urgent nature that the Rat is mutilated, many of the germs are fully intact and there are slivers and bits of Ratcage and bone in every bite that shall be consumed by some Rancid Pig Fucker Human Scum. Choke on 'em. 



Rat Legs.

There are parts of the world where Mutant Rat Species are quite plentiful and in these parts it is not uncommon for the Gigantic Animals to have their Legs severed and eaten, while the rest of their bodies are tossed back out into the streets, legless and thereby rendered helpless.

These Rat legs are boiled in a pot so that the flesh is so moist that it almost melts right off the bone and into ones mouth. Condiments of varying degrees are lathered all over these legs and they are known to be quite a filling dish to the people who can afford them. The entire leg is used and nothing spared, so the chances of fur getting in between your teeth or on your tongue are extremely likely.

Rat fur is rather rigid and if not cooked properly it can become lodged in the throat of a human. In some countries the Rat hair from these mutant creatures is picked and harvested before being shellacked and made into back scratchers. Fucking lazy humans. Can't even scratch your own backs. 


Rat Velvet Cake.

 
This is one of the newer recipes to satiate those ever evolving tastes of all you two legged sheep fuckers. While these other recipes seem to have roots somewhere along the bistro belt of humanity this one is pure toe pickin' meth smokin' white trash bag foulness at its finest.


The cake itself involves very little in the way of cakey type ingrediants. Curdled milk is your base point. The milk being curdled to allow for a sour finish. Hey, look..... if you were making a cat velvet cake I could see this whole milk thing clearly. But milk is lame. If you can stand to have some bite why not use something like Clorox? Sure it's blue. But you're just gonna use a bunch of food coloring and red dye anyway, right? You humans are good at that sort of thing. Color, I mean. Diversity is best when it's edible.


No, but your stupid recipe calls for milk. So milk it is. A gallon of spoiled milky goodness. This is poured into a bowel. Yes, a bowel. Not a bowl. Inside the bowel the curdled milk is sloshed around until it mixes with butt juice and then shot into a wash tub, where it is then left to sit in the, preferably scorching hot, sun for various lengths of time, some up to six hours. This allows the juices to not only mix well but collect flies and dust mites. Flies and dust mites are essentials to a good filthy pie.


As stated before the recipe does call for all sorts of colored shit. But literal colored shit is best to initially taint your milky base. The end results will be most satisfying these cookie manuals assure you. Surely this has to do with the fact that it did come directly out of someones end.


After the sun has broiled your bung oven bouillon the cook fucker adds one pound of grinded and well seasoned rat meat. Various regions do the meat grinding their own special way. Even hillbillies take pride in uniqueness I would imagine. The more backwoods type of chef would most likely smash the rodent with a shovel. Do note that a snowshovel is good. Probably take longer though. Rednecks are funny. Many of them believe that the original spawn of this recipe, red velvet, is in fact a nod to their Southern porch heritage. Don't stop believin', Jethro! Individual recipes themselves vary as should meat quantities. But fuck it. Americans love their meat. Make it 10 pounds. It's all gonna go right back into your ass anyway before it comes squirting out furiously. 

Rat velvet cake contains lots and rots of high fructose porn syrup in the glaze so it's going to make you hurt when you squirt. In fact, when it exits after being declared yummy on arrival I am guessing the proper mode of retreat is going to more so be gushing as opposed to squirting.

You wanna know why?

Ancient Chinese secret ingrediant. If you were paying attention before you will notice that I said high fructose porn syrup NOT corn syrup. Yep, porn syrup. For the icing on the cake a gallon of sperm is spread atop the meat once it has been cooked to solidification. Good old fashioned cum drops sprinkled in a rat blooded creamy glaze with lots and rots of food coloring and red dye. Some recipes even call for the chef to slice their finger down the side and bleed for their supper. Adds a more personal touch for those who are in fact more in touch with their art. Oh, and speaking of those touchy feelers, one imagines the un-asked question of who supplied the "secret ingrediant" renders itself like a proverbial elephant in the room should anyone outside of the happy supplier get a look at the recipe card. Ah, but I digress speaking of elephants and shit. This recipe is all about humans enjoying rat carcasses as if they were hummus.

 I continue to be astounded at what worthless human scum shall consider to be cuisine and rendered edible. But I Gave up trying to figure it out or even care a long time ago. I am guessing that all animals, us Rats included, have dining habits that will baffle outsiders. Still, eating your own kind is just mind blowingly absurd, even for a species that finds nourishment and delight from nibbling through garbage.

I myself would surely find the taste of human flesh to be quite repugnant. I would only eat it as a last resort if I was dying of hunger, and even then I might have to give it some thought. A whole lot of thought actually, and by then I'd probably starve to death anyway. Some reckon that human tastes a lot like chicken. I imagine that it tastes like Death. Must be all that cataclysm and Venom in the bloodstream.