My filthy goddess made a blog about things that scare her and that got me thinking.
What scares Manitou? Well, immediately I stood up and began chanting in my ancient Indian tongue and stomping around the room declaring that nothing scares me. Filthy Regan knows all of the secrets that make Manitou tick and tock on the butchers block. She just laughed and said "Come on honey, you can't fool me. So, don't fool our readers." There must be something, yes?
I then set about trying to compile my own list of dastardly disasters, torture-ific terrors and horrific horribles that frighten the Gitche Manitou enough to cower in the corner and shiver like a schoolgirl ready to be sliced and diced.
It's hard being an ancient Indian prince of darkness that overpowers minds and corrupts the souls of humanity. The more I thought about the whole scaredy-tou thing I was reminded of this one thing.... one thing that just makes Manitou get goosebumps of the worst kind and convulse and whince and curl up into a little ball and then start chanting a mean ass get the fuck back spell. In fact, I am willing to bet that this one thing would make anyone of the male persuasian quiver and cower and click their heels together and say the words that every man in peril was born to say-
"No lord, not my junk not my junk not my junk not my junk. Please, don't let anything happen to my junk."
Such a tender area, this junk. Just the mention or mere thought of sharp objects or less than thoughtful caresses can make the strongest of he-men break out in a cold sweat.
You women laugh.... but dick violence is the single most terrifying thing a man can comprehend. Believe it. Although, maybe that is why you indeed laugh at us so much.... because you do believe it.
There is no greater freedom than being completely naked. A mans junk flapping in the breeze and dangling in the daytime, or nighttime for that matter.... 'tis the true feeling of nirvana. But mar this indulgence of swing with even so much as the threat of being gashed or mashed or slashed or cut off altogether and the beauty of flaunting your shit becomes quite a cringeworthy event.
I think too much. I'm still reeling from the whole Lorena Bobbit thing all these years later. Anytime I see a movie with a man and a woman and a knife I immediately begin to wonder if manhood will be lost and do I already need to ball myself up on the couch and be prepared for the rip that will be felt in the testosterone sheet all around the world?
There is not a tremendous amount of films that I have seen that will serve up a plate of dismembered sausage to its audience. Face it, men don't want to see it, know it, or even think about it happening! But, horror films are often created by demented minds for demented minds and there is nothing more demented than a sword of pork being severed or nuts being plucked from the old oak tree and ball balls being removed..... never to be sewn back onto their rightful owners. Maybe even squashed like grapes. Ouch!
Call it castration. Call it loss of manhood. Don't call it anything because we men don't even wanna know about it or hear about or think about it..... let alone see it. Castration, emasculation, schmaskulation.... it's just wrong.... it's just..... ewww.... seriously... I am beginning to curl up just writing this blog about it.
The schlong.... the balls.... cutting... biting.... your girl just breathing on it in the morning before brushing her teeth.
Dick violence. It's wronger than wrong, this menace to a dong. It's the ultimate atrocity that can be enacted upon us dudes.
So, in thinking about this atrocity and beings this is a horror blog I decided to give mention to some moments in film history that I would just as soon forget than blog about. You people are lucky that my blogging skills can stand up to my queasy stomach and noodling backbone when it comes to the idea of forceful junk removal.
I find movies that gleefully feature a chopped off dong in their body part count don't always need to be graphic in detail. Therefore, these scenes contain varying degrees of explicit nature. In such cases though just the idea is enough to shatter my senses for days and days, months even. Regardless of what is shown or not shown or in one case, even implied, the threat itself is there and the damage has been done.
Each one of these scenes left enough of an impression on me that they have forever scarred my consciousness and the fact that they are only make believe are enough to get me to wanna wake up every day and sing hallelujah to my morning wood. Hell, I 'd do that anyway. But, these eleven scenes of dick violence make me wanna sing extra loud as if floating on a cloud and extra long to my precious dong.
1) Street Trash (1987)
I figured I would start off light here. This movie does something that almost seems impossible. It makes dick violence look just plain silly and therefore in its cringe factor is not effective in any way.
A bum who urinates on another bums face is surprised when his member is sliced off with a knife made from a human bone and his mutilator proceeds to engage in a game of keep away with his very unrealistic looking schlong. Not at all uncomfortable to watch, which just doesn't sound possible but is absolutely rendered so. Thank goodness for comic relief.
2) Hard Candy (2005)
The castration scene in this film is actually an illusion crafted by its 14 year old star, Ellen Page in her pre-Juno days, and meant to terrify the sexual predator who has been scoping her out. Though not strictly an actual castration scene, this moment will not play nicely to any male anywhere and I think it ended up disturbing me far more than the actor himself.
3) Arabian Nights (1974)
I have actually never seen this movie. Only heard about it. But, there is supposedly a scene where a man has a rope tied around his dick and then has it pulled off by a gang of women. Just hearing about that is making me shake my head and cover up. Certainly worth a mention just on its creative merits alone. Were I not so damn tender in my appreciation for my most tender of meatness I might actually want to see this one. I am though, so I don't.
4) The Fourth Man (1983)
I saw this movie over 20 years ago but the scene in question left an undeniable impression on me. It's a dream sequence, and I only have one word for anybody doubting the intensity of this cringe inducing moment.... scissors.
5) Santa Sangre (1989)
This scene gets not only a nod for creativity but certainly the best reaction to having your junk incapacitated. A knife throwing carnival worker is caught having sex with the tattoed lady by his wife and she dumps a jar of acid on his private parts. While most men tend to just bleed and cower a lot upon their own dong removal, this guy takes his knives and cuts both of her arms off in this nutty Spanish arthouse favorite. Viva la Spain!
6) Cannibal Ferox (1981)
A dude is tied up and with the urgency of scratching an eyebrow a young cannibal walks over and slices his meat puppet off and pops it into his mouth. Guess he was hungry.
7) Night of the Demon (1980)
As the whole point of this blog shall suggest, there are few things worse than having your manhood ripped off. But one thing that could certainly make things more extreme? Having your manhood ripped off by Bigfoot, when all you wanted to do was pull over and take a piss. Yeah, that would just suck.
8) Hostel: part 2 (2007)
This scene is just so extreme on so many levels. A woman turns the tables on her attacker and cuts his dick off with garden pruners before literally throwing his dick to the dogs. I do feel that in the case of dick violence the idea alone is bad enough. But just for added effect, here is a picture of gardening pruners.
Yeah, sorry about that one guys. I was Just trying to have some fun here and went a little too far. If you ever see me walking down the street you have full permission to yell at me.
9) Last House on the Left (1972)
The most famous scene from this 1972 Wes Craven shocker is probably considered the shower scene in Psycho of importance for this horrific moment of mannish revulsion. Nothing was ever the same afterwards. Certainly not the male lead. It's a scene that is more so waltzed into the imagination as opposed to being paraded in front of the eyes. Doesn't make it any less effective though. Truly the classic dick violence moment of all cinema time.
10) I Spit on your Grave (1978)
If Psycho gave us the worst shower in film history, this early shocker gave men the most notorious and unpleasant bathtub scene ever made. Yeah, the guy was a dirty rapist and had it coming to him. Doesn't seem to matter much though when you're male and watching the scene and you just know where this is going. Dude on the floor. Bloody and dickless. I think the build up in this scene is actually more disturbing than the end result.
There is some sweet talk. Ohhh. Ohhh. yeah, baby. That's the spot. Right there. Ohhh... ohh....
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....
Okay. Yeah, I guess that really was the spot after all.
11) Cannibal (2006)
I want to explain something here. I like it sick. The sicker the better. But this movie managed to do the unthinkable. It's too sick even for me. Based on a true story about a man who advertised on the internet that he wanted to eat someone, a willing taker shows up at his doorstep ready to be devoured.
I watched a larger portion of this movie through my fingers and out of the corner of my eye. Though I can say this much.... it's the sickest, vilest, and most disturbing movie I have ever sort of seen.
The entire movie consists of two characters, affectionately named the Cannibal and the Flesh. They bond. They climb Brokeback Mountain. Then, the film takes the term man meat to disgustingly new heights as the human appetizer has his dick sliced off and fried up in a pan and both men commence to chowing down on beef bologna that was human anatomy only moments ago. It's nasty enough just to think about this going on, but the entire act is shown in graphic detail and the men lick their plates clean.
The only thing that kept me from ripping this dvd out of the player and destroying it was the fact that it was a rental.
Talk about bone appetit. WOW, WOW, and..... ummmmm..... WOW. Oh, and EW.
I know that I am not alone in my disdain for thoughts of having my man meat sliced off, ripped off, chewed off, you name it, if it involves meat being tenderized and then pulverized and then pulled the fuck off, I'm not down with it.
There is a gruesome novel called Black Angel.
It is by one of my very favorite authors Graham Masterton (who actually created the Gitche Manitou, so I guess you could say that he is like my Daddy-tou). In Black Angel there is a scene where a dudes schlong is pulled tight and then sliced off near the head with a knife.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
When I read this scene I wanted to throw the book down and set it on fire and then piss on it in celebration that I was still in control of my man-itou privates. Since I am known to treat my books with way more respect than this, I only threw it down and crawled up on top of my couch in the fetal position and sat there for about four days. After I was done I crawled down and went and took a leak. Then I finished the book. Damn you, daddy-tou. Damn you to Hell and back and there again for dreaming up such a vicious scenario for something so precious. I love my man-itou meat. I love it like a pig loves slop. More than I love chocolate covered bacon even. Though chocolate covered bacon doesn't hurt when it gets cut off. Unless you're a pig. In which case..... ouch.
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