Okay, so I loved Alien and Aliens. Love them longer than long time. Are you ready for this?..... I even liked Alien 3.
Yeah yeah I know. Go on. Tie me to a rack and slit me up the middle until my blood pours like gravy on a sausage cheese Mcgriddle. I suck. So sue me. Why have I have never seen Alien: Resurrection then?
I have no answer there. Especially since I have owned it for like 10 years as part of that Alien Quadrilogy box bitch. Blah blah blah whatever. I'm stupid. I finally watched it. Now, blow me. Is Alien: Resurrection as bad as everybody says? Yes and no. It's bad. As in, it's certainly not good. But is it godawful, as everybody says? Eh. I have seen much worse. According to many people "Prometheus" is pretty hideous too. I actually kind of liked that one. This one though? Eh.
There are several things I didn't really like about this film. The look and overall vibe tops the list. Too much color for an Alien flick. These things have always seemed to have a much darker contrast in the visuals. Then there is the cast. I could have done without Dan Hedaya and Brad Dourif, as much as I hate to say that. I like both of these actors in their proper context, but floating in outer space while trying to stay clear of Alien poo is a suit that doesn't seem to fit either one of these fuckers.
I can't stand looking at Ron Perlman.
His face is just very distracting, disturbing even, to me and I wish one of the many space vaginas had swallowed him up. Yeah, there is several aliens. Winona Ryder is a robot too. Bet you didn't see that one coming as you sat there on your sofa, even if you were watching a different movie and were merely familiar that she was in the cast. I mean, it's an Alien movie and who looks more like a robot than Winona? Hell, she is so robotic that she was shoplifting at The Gap one day and set off the door alarm, while being nowhere near the door even.
Ripley is back and she is cloned as a beastly baby mama. Her mood swings go from baby love to kill it. Back and forth, up and down, in and out, lather-rinse-repeat. Kind of gets old real fast. None of this stuff sits well for me, it only begs.
A weak script by Joss Whedon doesn't add to the equation either.
I am guessing that Whedon was rocking the ganja one weekend and duty calls on the vamp slayer phone to let him know that a deadline is coming up. "What was I supposed to write again?" He asks in a dialogue bubble made of pot smoke. "Oh yeah, it was one of those Alien flicks." More smoke and with fewer braincells later, BAM! A script was made.
This movie is a mess. It tries too hard. That was something that either of the previous 3 installments didn't even bother with. All seemed so natural and just unfolded on their own terms. Part one being the classic throwback to that whole gloomy intensity building slipstream while its sequel busted out the big guns and kicked some major ass Crambo style. Part 3 is where most people fall off. Unless the makers of the franchise were in possession of super powers they were never going to better the first 2. Why bother trying then, right? They made a dark and depressing commentary about penis envy and hired a guy to direct it only known for helming a Madonna video.
The results were far from perfect. But this film worked for me. It was gory and no fun at all, yet in a kind of fun variation on the theme of having no fun. Oh, and say what you will about the film or its director, and he just might piss on you. David Fincher went on to become THE David Fincher, so he could give a fuck what you think.
Jesus, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, Alien: Resurrection. You see, that is just it. This movie doesn't know what it wants. It desperately wants to try embodying elements of all 3 of the first films and yet move on its own clumsy feet and that just doesn't work for me. It's loud. It's got shitty acting. The dialogue and characters can't speak clearly because they're all covered in alien goo. All those scenes of Ripley cuddling with the creatures mama san style were just too damn silly for me.
This was not a terrible movie. It's just not good. At all. There is another cut of the film on my disc. Maybe in 10 more years, when I'm bored one night, I might give it a look. Until then, keep your dicks strapped to your leg so gravity won't wrench it air bud style and keep your boobies pointed towards the sky because.... well, I'm sure that if there are really aliens they must like boobies an awful lot.
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