Two things that are sadly lacking from films these days are creativity and soul. It’s all about cash and cows, so when it comes to horror films I guess you could say that things no longer go bump in the night but rather go moo instead. The public seems to be buying lots of milk though because Hollywood just keeps turning out the same sour shit over and over, weekend after weekend. Perfect case in point, movies about demonic possession. Seriously, why. . . . ? I already said this a few blogs back, but it looks like I have to say it all over again. Why?!
Just two of the many things that I love about the horror genre would be its versatility and simplicity. I mean, by theory the possibilities are endless and unless you are in fact making a movie about a crazed brain surgeon the plot construction is not exactly brain surgery here.
A good slasher film needs nothing more than some boobs and some nifty murder sequences and we're at least off to a good start. Zombie films need brains in front of the camera as opposed to behind them. Vampire movies need darkness and lots of wine. . . . Red, that is. But films about demonic possession? Seriously, Hollywood . . . . Don't bother. Of course, once again we are dealing with money hungry retards pushing cash cows out to movie screen pastures with a golden cattle prod, so . . . . Yeah, that listening thing? Never going to happen.
The Exorcist is the blue print for demonic possession. Period. Case closed. This concept does not age well with the times and simply needs to stay in the past. Proof, you say? Pea soup and CGI . . . . Not a good combination. Enough said.
Hollywood has no shame and when cows moo and pockets jingle, soccer sized balls lead film makers to believe they can actually make a movie about demonic possession that is worth a squirt of Hershey’s ass syrup. We just had . . . . Uhh. . . . What was that movie called again? The one with the Jerry Springer audience and their Cajun swamp rat doing gymnastics in the barn in her nightgown? Yeah, the not scary one.
There was the Exorcism of somebody or other a few years back. This turned out to be more of a boring courtroom drama though. So now we are given the latest attempt to prove just how pointless it is to try and up the exorcism ante.
The Rite.
I thought even the original 1973 classic couldn't top itself when they dusted it off some years ago and added a feel good ending and some unnecessary footage to try and cash in on its own legacy. That version sucked the darkness and very life out of the film and all it really seemed to do was start the gymnastics craze.
Ah, but Hollywood . . . . . Deaf or just plain stupid? Operators are standing by.
Here we go yet again, and if you are stupid enough to give the makers of this film your money I guess I’ll do the proper thing and caution you that there will be spoilers here. Not that there really is a whole lot to spoil in the first place. But use this as your chance to bail out because if you have any intentions of pretending this movie is a good enough way to spend nearly two hours of your life I am going to totally ruin it for you because when I see something this pathetic trying to rope viewers into the theater I must listen to what my gut tells me and my gut spews venomous bile all over this piece of cinematic excrement.
Actually I don't need to spoil anything for anybody because if you have seen one movie about exorcism then you have already seen this one. It’s your typical cliché ridden Hollywood shopping mall excuse for horror that has all the key ingredients. We have a young priest who has lost his faith. We have an old priest who rocks the evil house by his satanic majesties request. We get some weird voices and more gymnastics and that is about all you are going to get here.
Michael was raised as a mortician, by his creepy dad played by Rutger Hauer. But he doesn't want to be a mortician. Nope, he wants to escape the smelly bodies of the dead by snuggling up to Christ and his old cronies. The trouble is, his lessons cannot teach him to have faith and so. . . . . Yeah, career choice number two down the drain four years later.
But you see, these priest guys . . . . . They don't just eye up and feel down the altar boys. Damnit, they know a winner for Jesus when they see one and not caring about your profession and visibly lacking faith cannot disguise he who should totally fondle the rosary beads and pass around the collection plate. Sign that boy up now! Even if you have to blackmail him to do it.
Next thing you know young Michael is sent to Rome because a good exorcist is hard to find and there are so many people becoming possessed nowadays that the church needs to blackmail the youth and nab them while they can. Oh yeah, and besides . . . . Rome sure is pretty.
The boy wonderbread heads to spaghetti country and his unwillingness to learn or care sticks out like a sore thumb that he got from fingering the pope's bum hole. Despite showing absolutely no interest in his studies or even his presence, Michael is sent to understudy with the yoda of exorcism played by Anthony Hopkins. Despite being an Oscar winning performer who has given us movie fans many roles to cherish for a lifetime Hopkins reminds us that acting is indeed only a profession much like a really good dishwasher and sometimes even Oscar winning masters of their craft need to pay the rent too.
For the next half hour or so . . . . Honestly time is rendered pretty much irrelevant past the opening credits here . . . . . . We get the Karate kid with some exorcisms thrown in. The young cocky guy . . . The old master and showman . . . . . Wax on wax off . . . . You know what I’m saying, right?
There is no pea soup. There is no levitating. They even joke about not having pea soup or levitating. That sir Anthony he sure is a good mind reader. But we do get a whole lot of nail scratching. Bedposts. Chairs. Walls. Man, I would hate to have been the manicurist on the set of this movie.
First there is a 16 year old pregnant girl who had the seed of the devil directly implanted inside of her when her daddy hopped on top of her and yodeled. You were expecting the devil listened to Slayer I take it? So daddy rapes her and she becomes possessed. Is it okay if I just say blah-blah-blah here?
The girl dies. The baby dies. But first there is all that nail scratching. She does a nifty backbend too. I give her a 4.6 for form and the baby I give 7 golf claps. Poor sir Anthony seems to feel as if he failed the girl and this was not the only time either that someone died under his care. Damn that failure. It’s worse than the devil. We get some sulking-
And then we move on to our next contestant on Whose got the soul in the hole. A little boy is having dreams about an evil mule. What does an evil mule look like? I couldn't find a picture from the film but here is a mule-
Just give it some red eyes and . . . . Voila! Evil made muley. Scary? Not even. But that is what we get. The Exorcist had pea soup and The Rite has a demonic take on the show Hee-haw. This plotline plays a significant part in the film and I wouldn't dare spoil the joy of finding out that the boy predicts young Michaels father will die (ding ding ding! He is correct!) As Michael too dreams of the devilish donkey spawn. Okay, sorry about that . . . . Me and my big mouth. Can't say I didn't warn you.
There is a newspaper reporter lady who is trying to get close to Anthony Hopkins and get the truth and of course she has a back-story involving a crazed brother who may or may not have been also possessed. Hopkins then becomes possessed. Yay. Wow. The young Michael finds his faith. It’s always the last place you look. In this case it was in the ass of the . . . . . Ass. Sorry I couldn't resist. The reporter gets her story. Michael decides that he really would like to try out that exorcism thing.
There is a lot more nail scratching. Hopkins and his face become one with the joys of CGI and then . . . . Alert! The big climax . . . . The Karate kid kicks the demons ass . . . . Oh wait, wrong movie . . . . . Michael's faith allows him to get the demon to reveal its name. Apparently this is a big deal in devil country. Once he finds out who he is speaking to he asks the demon to go home, assuming he means Hell . . . . . And then . . . . Yep, you got it . . . . Anthony is demon free and he also paid his rent. Isn't life great?
Will The Rite be a hit? People are idiots. So, yeah. Probably. The Exorcist caused pandemonium in the theater. Audiences fainted and ran to their homes where they were afraid to turn off the lights. What does The Rite give us? Besides the donkey and the nail scratching I have just got to point out the obvious . . . . . . Anthony Hopkins really needs to stop making movies. Not only was he in this piece of shit but he was in a trailer that I saw before the film started for . . . . . Another piece of shit that's name escapes me now because . . . . . Well, aren't they all the same movie pretty much these days?
I guess this film did serve its purpose. It got me into the theater. I was bored as fuck though and had nothing better to do. As it turns out I would have fared much better doing nothing. The results were the same. I’m sure we have not seen the last of the exorcism movies. Still, here is a suggestion . . . . . Just because you are indeed making a movie about someone who has lost their soul doesn't mean that you should make a soulless film. But that Hollywood . . . . . . They just never listen. It’s always money talks and bullshit walks. Donkeys walk too, you know . . . . And they are a whole lot less frightening than bullshit.
***Original blog post date 1/29/2011***
No comments:
Post a Comment