Just when you think you have seen it all when it comes to zombies . . . . . Zombie chickens, zombie babies, zombie rock and rollers, flesh eating mothers, zombie strippers, zombie hookers, zombie schoolgirls, zombie cops, zombie bikers, zombies from outer space, zombies at the prom, zombies at the mall, redneck zombies . . . . .
Zombies cutting the grass. . . . . .
Zombies playing baseball. . . . . .
Zombies working out. . . . . .
Well damnit if along comes something we have never seen before. Zombie assholes.
Buttcrack, rather. A 1998 film that is pretty much everything that you might expect from a movie called Buttcrack.
I like to think that I have fairly oddball taste in movies. Mostly because I do, according to many of my friends. Cruising the instant selections on Netflix a title like Buttcrack is certainly going to stick out. Pun completely intended. Having never heard of the film and being pretty bored, I figured I’d give it a look. Probably the first and last time I would ever say that about a buttcrack.
Buttcrack is a zombie film. It’s not really a horror movie. More so a horror comedy I guess. It’s not really that funny though and I found it kind of boring. In fact, it took me 3 sittings to get all the way through the whole damn thing.
I guess the first question should be why did I feel the need to sit through the whole movie . . . . . Well, okay . . . . Maybe the first question that should be asked is why would I even make a decision to watch a movie called Buttcrack in the first place? Boredom, remember? Well, a healthy dose of boredom and curiosity.
What really got my attention was that the movie had Mojo Nixon in it. I love Mojo. So, I thought . . . . . How bad could this be? I guess if one were to rate buttcrack on a stink scale I'd say it ranks somewhere around a taco bell fart in a closed vehicle. You know what I mean?
Not being as foul as a burger king fart and having nowhere near the danger of those McDonalds farts where you have to check yourself to make sure that you didn't just splat your yummies right back out in your shorts within seconds of swallowing the last bite.
I have always enjoyed the sweet smelling rankness of an after bite cloud expulsion when I have just gorged across the border in the throes of fourth meal ecstasy. It's particularly invigorating when I have someone in the car with me and I utilize my control of the locks and windows. After all, sharing is caring, ya know.
My expectations from watching a movie called Buttcrack were pretty much leveled somewhere right around the bung layer. Not as terrible as having runny diarrhea on a hot summer days drive into the country. But certainly not very much fun either.
In case any of you readers are on the edges of your seat and longing to know more about the plot of Buttcrack, well . . . . You are in luck. Plot is coming so stop your bumming.
Brian hates his roommate, Wade. Why? Because of Wade's buttcrack. It’s so annoying because Wade can never seem to grasp the concept of pulling up his pants and that means anybody within view of Wade is indeed . . . . In view of Wade. Anytime somebody tries to give Wade a piece of advice by making with the cover up he thinks they are checking out his ass and leaves them gaping in his smelly tracks.
Brian wishes to ask his girlfriend, Annie, to marry him and move in, but Wade is always hanging around the apartment and playing Atari and just won't leave the couple alone. I am guessing Wade's favorite game is asteroids. Bwaaaa haaaa haaaaaa . . . . . Oh, fuck it. Never mind.
Every time he tries to ask Annie for her hand in marriage, along comes Wade strutting his . . . . . Stuff. . . . . And she blows chunks everywhere. Hey, at least Brian gets to prove that his love is indeed the stuff of legend by cleaning up after his sloppy soul mate. I know I was pulling for the romantic union to . . . . Ummmm. . . . Unite. . . . And I just bet you are too as you read this. Well, okay then.
An attempt to get Wade out of the house goes sour and eventually leads to his demise and when his voodoo practicing sister finds out the truth about his accident she puts a curse on . . . . . Somebody . . . . . Not really sure. I mean, the curse seems to be on Brian because she thinks he is responsible for Wade's death. Mostly because he is. But, okay . . . . the curse states that if anybody says . . . . . the b-word. . . . . 12 times, Wade will come back from the dead and . . . . . Be wade.
Annoying in life, and even more annoying in death . . . . Wade still hasn't managed to pull his pants up and now everybody is not only treated to smelly buttcrack . . . . . But dead smelly buttcrack . . . . . In fact, any time someone looks at Wade's buttcrack they turn into a zombie. Have I wet your appetite for terror yet?
As I said earlier, the movie was pretty boring. Wade is an annoying ass hat. Blah blah blah. He dies, and comes back . . . . As a dead annoying ass hat. There is some cheesy gore at the end and of course the film is set up for a sequel. Buttcrack 2 . . . . Anyone? Anyone? Didn't think so.
I am not really sure why I didn't just skip the rest of the movie once I figured out what I was in for . . . . . As if the title alone couldn't help cue me in. You get a little bit of zombie stuff . . . . A smattering of cheesy gore fx . . . . . And a whole lot of buttcrack.
The movie wasn't a complete bust though. Mojo Nixon is very entertaining as Preacher man Bob. He supplies the only real worthwhile aspect of the entire film. He gives some great sermons and the soundtrack is littered with his music. So, I give this little piece of cinematic dung a squirty silver dollar sized nugget for having Mojo Nixon being . . . . Mojo Nixon.
At another of Wade's funeral attempts Mojo rails "Now god, I done said all I had to say at brother Wade's first funeral. I just hope you can call him home this time so we don't have to kill him and go through this all over again. " Great stuff. Almost makes the movie worth a look. Almost.
It was also quite . . . . . Unrefreshing to find out that this film is somewhat of a local masterpiece for me. Make that an assterpeace. Filmed in Arcola, Virginia . . . . Which is about a half hour outside of DC.
Niiiiice. So, DC is not only the crack capital of the world . . . . It is also the literal . . . . . Crack capital of the world now.
If you're looking for a good zombie flick, there are certainly many thousands of smarter choices. If you want to see a well done horror comedy, might I suggest Student bodies or Zombieland? Even if you want to enjoy Mojo Nixon, the guy has plenty of cds that are a far greater experience than this chunk of ass candy.
Although, if for some reason you find yourself craving some buttcrack . . . . Say it twelve times and maybe Wade will pay you a visit.
***Original blog post date 9/5/2010***
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