Just one look at any local multiplex and it is painfully obvious that unnecessary remakes are not going anywhere anytime soon. They have hellspawned and multiplied all across the nations movie screens and just when you think they might have killed any hope of ever spending a remotely entertaining night out at the movies, we have now been handed down an entirely new beast to contend with.
The needless and soon to be un-avoidable resurgence of 3-D cinema.
Myself personally, I have never partaken in the rapture of viewing a 3-D movie. This might certainly have much to do with the fact that I wear glasses and find the idea of having to wear another pair of glasses on top of my own quite uncomfortable. It’s quite annoying in its discomfort actually, and even before the movie starts I have already lowered my Richter scale reading of having a pleasurable film experience.
Beyond this all too relevant idiosyncrasy that I have to live with if I want to actually enjoy the simplicity of vision, I find it rather irritating to have shit thrown at my face from the movie screen. After all, correct me if I am wrong . . . . isn't what happens on the movie screen indeed supposed to stay on the movie screen?
But I am a single pea in a movie going pod and since this 3-D stuff has proven to be big business, as with the remakes, it seems to be here to stay. Since I only seem to actually find anything playing at the local theater that beckons me roughly once a year, I suppose an hour and a half of being uncomfortable every year or so is not that bad. Hell, maybe some day I’ll actually see a movie that is worth the discomfort.
One of the newest efforts on both counts here is Piranha 3-D. A 3-D remake!
If you have seen the trailer then you no doubt have been promised boobs and blood, and I will announce straight up front here that these expectations are handed directly into the viewers face on a silver platter.
As a guy and a horror fan to boot, I happen to love both boobs and blood. What guy doesn't? But I am not so easily won over and it takes a lot more than these two things to capture my undivided attention.
As much as I hate these remakes for the most part, there can exist herein two different categories. That which is touchable and those that shall forever remain untouchable. Obviously John Carpenter’s masterpiece Halloween, tops the latter category and Rob Zombie can burn in Hell for his sin of disgracing this beloved genre classic.
Joe Dante is a brilliant director in his own rite, and I did love his original 1978 Piranha film, but even I can recognize the fact that any movie, remake or not, about flesh eating fish is a welcomed addition to my viewing participation. So, with that stuff out of the way I found that I could get down to business and accept this film on its own merits.
Speaking of directors, director Alexandre Aja has proven himself a more than competent enough master in the genre, so that was a plus sign for me when I saw this film was playing at the local movie theater. Aja can be forgiven for his dismal Hills have Eyes remake for the simple fact that he crafted one of my personal favorite horror films of the last ten years, Haute Tension aka High Tension.
Add to all this a truly great b-movie cast and I was actually feeling a tinge of something that I haven't felt sitting in a movie chair prior to the lights dimming in many years. Pre-feature excitement. This of course was notched down a bit once I had to put on those silly glasses. But I have already covered my feelings on this, and so I was ready to see me some titties and blood.
The film opens with a fisherman out on a lake. In a nod to Jaws he is singing along to the song "show me the way to go home", and upon closer inspection the fisherman is revealed to be none other than Richard Dreyfuss himself.
Since Jaws is my all time favorite film, I got quite a big kick from this. There is an underwater tremor and the bottom of the sea opens up and frees schools of piranha that proceed to tenderize Dreyfuss right down to the bone.
From here we are treated to the typical story of a town overrun with hoards of half naked drunk college kids on Spring break that are more likely to become fish food than to graduate college.
A minor distraction for me was the length of time the film spends in getting to the gory happenings in lieu of character and plot build up. Seriously . . . . Leave the plotlines and character development behind and bring the carnage. Now. Still, the film does have some fun getting to where it needs to go with some of the cast acting it up and . . . . . Did I mention there are lots of boobs?
The lead character, Jake, is played by Steven R. McQueen, who just so happens to be the grandson of screen legend Steve McQueen.
Jake's mom and the town sheriff is played by Elisabeth Shue. Yes, miss wax on wax off Karate kid herself and the babysitter that you should never "fuck with."
Jake has promised sheriff mom that he will watch his younger siblings while she works overtime during Spring break.
Of course, the temptation to miss all the action proves too much as he is hired on as a location scout for an obnoxious coked up porno director, who is played by Jerry O' Connell.
A seismologist crew is called in to investigate the underwater tremor, and after the sheriff and her deputy, played by Ving Rhames, find the fishy chew toy that used to be Richard Dreyfuss, they start to become curious. In an even further nod to Jaws the Dreyfuss character is revealed to have been named Matt. As in Matt Hooper.
Upon a diving excursion, the seismologists discover a cavern opened up from the earthquake that gives way to a prehistoric lake underneath the lake. One of the divers finds a lair that houses several egg stalks and as soon as he lights a flare to get a better view the fish come feeding. Both divers become TV dinners for these monster fish and the sheriff and head seismologist guy set towards the partying calvalcade of potential snackie bites.
First they pull off a stray fish that was chowing down heartedly on one of the divers and take it to a marine biologist, played by Christopher Lloyd in a role that is not too far off from his Doc Brown character in the Back to the Future trilogy.
Meanwhile, Jake has set sail on the boat of whores and his younger brother and sister, whom he bribed to stay home, have found themselves stranded on an island in the middle of the water. After the buildup though, things do get quite meaty.
A movie like Piranha 3-D makes no false claims about what its intentions are. It’s about man eating fish. Once things get going, there is plenty of bodies torn to shreds and of course being in 3-D, we get to have copious amounts of body parts dangling in our faces.
As I stated before, I am unimpressed with the 3-D gimmick. I believe this aspect of the film is poorly executed and lessens the impact of the movie as a whole. The underwater scenes are murky. The fish are just plain stupid looking.
The violence, even though plentiful and quite gory at times, looks rather silly more so than being effective. Had Piranha 3-D not been in 3-D, I surely would have enjoyed it better. Still, the movie delivers on all counts for any expectations that one might have going into it. This being the gore and stuff.
The cast added a lot to my enjoyment. All the previously mentioned players, as well as Adam Scott as the head seismologist and horror director Eli Roth as a wet t-shirt contest judge.
This movie is a b-movie to all extremes. B-movie in its natural element as well as the massive amounts of boobs and buckets of blood it delivers.
The 3-D works against the movie for me and I would have enjoyed it much more had the film makers forgone this annoying gimmick. Things are only made worse by the putrescence that is CGI. I despise both on their own accord, but together they just don't work at all for me. Hey, 3-D & CGI! F-U!
For anybody who actually enjoys the 3-D gimmick there are several scenes that will most likely be quite appealing. An underwater love scene between two nude women tops the nudity in your face moments.
As for the body parts that are waved into our faces and over our seats from the screen, the undisputed king here is the over the top spectacle of not only having a severed penis floating into the audience but having a fish come along and chug it down, only to regurgitate it, partially eaten, back out.
Overall though, Piranha 3-D was enjoyable enough to warrant a viewing. Of course there will be a sequel, judging from the ending. Truthfully, from what is revealed at the end of the film about the fish, I might have to pass on the sequel as it will most likely be completely ridiculous.
The state of film these days is pretty dismal. Not only was every movie advertised in the trailers in 3-D, but they were all sequels.
More sequels. More remakes. More 3-D. No thanks.
Still, if you're looking for a fun night out at the movies and the glasses are not too uncomfortable for you and you are not put further off by the hefty price tag (I paid nearly 15 bucks to see this 3-D X-D something or other experience), then Piranha 3-D is fun enough. Nothing brilliant or spectacular by any means. But if you are in the mood for some laughs along with being treated to mounds of boobs and gallons of blood being thrown in your face, this is the movie for you.
***Original blog post date 8/26/2010***
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