Well, this will not strictly be a horror blog as in it's not related to horror films. But it's horror in that it references something far more.... well, horrible. Horrors of the mind. My mind.
Yes, I love horror movies. Always have. But sometimes horror itself can go beyond the screen and find itself thriving in the darkest corners of our own hearts and minds.
In what I have always liked to refer to as "cow goes moo" terms this would be things that literally scare the shit out of us. Everybody has something. Some have lots of somethings. Fears. Phobias. Things that that go bump in the night can sometimes make us go number two in our shorts.
My filthy goddess did a previous blog that explained what frightens her. We got to talking about it all and I decided to reach into the deepest corners of my mind and share with all of you some things that absolutely grip me with fear.
Some of these things give me nightmares. Some of it is just stuff that sucks a whole lot. But it all disturbs me on some level and even though Gitche Manitou is a well known demonic presence in the underworld and can be found busting out of tumors to wreak his own horror on the world, you will not find me anywhere near any of this stuff because.... yes, it all truly frightens me.
I don't scare easily. But these ten things make me squirm in my seat and shiver with terror.
1) Nickelback.
There is lots of music that sucks. But this band is truly evil incarnate. They write the most juvenile lyrics that I have ever heard and the only thing that frightens me more than their shitty music is the fact that they are so popular.
They are truly the devil.... that is, if the devil really sucked ass.
2) Cheap beer.
Before I became a powerful demon that wanted to destroy the world I used to be quite a party animal and would frequent all the keg parties and assorted fun happenings.
When it comes to alcohol intake youth is not discriminating. But nowadays I need to drink quality brew or I cannot be in full capacity of my evil functions.
So, I have become quite the beer snob and am known to break out in hives when in close proximity to anything that would cost less than ten bucks for a six pack in a liquor store. Cheap beer truly frightens me.... oh yeah, and it curdles my stomach and gives me the runs too.
3) Port-a-potties.
Speaking of having the runs.... I have been known to curb my food intake when the relieving facilities might be something that looks like this.
I hate everything about bathrooms. I try to spend as little time as possible in them. If I am in my own, I might catch up on a little reading. But nothing is as horrific as being in a plastic dome that could easily upheave and standing enclosed smelling the shit of about 150 people. This is seriously one of my worst nightmares.
I will admit that I do subscribe to that whole "when you gotta go ya gotta go" theory just as much as anybody else.
But if the choice is one of these shit houses on wheels or shit in a bush.... I guess I'm going to exercise my love and oneness with nature.
The only thing that scares me more than a port-a-potty is the threat or thought of having explosive diarrhea in a moving vehicle. Well, unless I'm in the passenger seat. That might be fun.
Besides, who the fuck wants to be taking a shit and have this happen?
4) Projectile vomiting.
While we're on the subject of bodily fluids, this just scares me to death. I remember being at a concert once and I saw a girl come out of the pit and stand right in front of this guy and then do that thing that Filthy Regan does when she gets irritated by clergical presence so badly. All I kept thinking about was how much it must have sucked to be that guy. But projectile vomiting is just evil and nobody within pea shot is safe.
Something I will say about vomiting. It's a natural thing. We all have done it at some point for whatever reason. When it's our own it's okay. When it's not.... uhh.... it's not.
5) Scooby Doo feet.
I am not really big on feet anyway. Just always found them gross. I am learning to not hate so much on them and have become quite fond of my filthy goddesses feet. But I have long had a terrifying fear of women who have what I like to call "Scooby Doo feet."
You know what I mean. They're big and crusty and got little gobs of hair on the toes. They are fucking sick, man. Oh, and they smell pretty bad too. These are always the girls who like to stick a scrappy toe in your face and say something along the lines of "Baby needs love."
Well.... ummm.... baby needs a wash and a pedicure... stat.
6) Toe/fingernail violence.
Okay, this will probably get me laughed off the blog planet here. But, I have long been disturbed by the site of violence towards fingernails or toe nails. I'm not sure why. Maybe it stems from my whole thing with feet. Although, you would think since I loathe feet so much I would want to see them violated or killed, right? Yeah, me too.
Regardless of why, I can watch people ripping out and chowing down on gobs of intestines. I can watch brains being blown out all over the place. Blood can ooze, gush, spray, splatter.... you name it.
I have even seen videos of people eating poo. I don't exactly dig on the brown love. But I tell you this... I can watch the gooey brownie eating bonanza before I can watch somebody having their nails torn off. Not sure why. It just is that way.
7) Ulli Lommel.
Seriously, this guy's name just sends me into a panic. In the 80's he directed a few really cool horror movies. The Boogeyman. The Devonsville Terror. Olivia. All three are cheesy but very cool. But for the last twenty years he has made like 50 low budget horror films that stink worse than week old, or even new, horse droppings. To hell with b-movies. This guy makes Z-movies and for film fans everywhere, I offer you this word of advice.... if you ever see his name on a movie please throw it down immediately and run away as fast as possible.
8) Susan Boyle.
While we're on the subject of people... will you just look at this woman? Okay, no don't. But, listen to her..... okay, no don't. Seriously... I don't want to look at her.... I don't want to listen to her. Just the mention of her name gives me a soft on.
9) The Joy Luck Club.
Probably one of the biggest head scratching "WTF?" moments that I have ever had was when my ex-girlfriend said to me "Honey, we should watch The Joy Luck Club. I really think you would like this movie." (same girl that hated Clerks, so yeah, fuck her twice with a beer bottle slice)
Somebody who claims to love me and swap spit and body fluids with me and yet thinks that I would enjoy sitting through a near 3 hour movie about 80 year old Asian women playing mah-jong is just clearly wrong on too many levels to mention.
I still wake up in a cold sweat from nightmares about this. Usually they involve me being stuck at the table playing mah jong and these women babbling at me in Asian and staring me down as to why I don't answer them. But sometimes I dream about being trapped in this relationship with a complete moron who might have fallen down and hit her head and yet still wants to spend quality time with me. Truly nightmarish indeed.
10) Dick violence.
I actually already did an entire blog about this. But it's the grand daddy of all fears. The king of things that disturb and upset me. The idea of anything happening to my junk that is less than a cuddle.
I am certain that any man agress with me here. Dick violence is something that one doesn't even like to think about. Not even a little bit. Seriously.... ewww. Make it stop.
***Original Post Date 6/4/2010***
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