You do the Forward-Bend and I'll do the Back-Bend

***Warning - this blog is pretty much a complete spoiler of the movie The Last Exorcism.
 
As some of you know I am Regan. I am THE one and only Regan…yep the ultimate in filth.  And if you’re a horror movie fan you will know me from the movie that was made about ME ME ME….The Exorcist (1973). And recently there has been released a movie that is somehow trying to claim the spotlight from the infamous me called The Last Exorcism. When I heard this and saw the previews I was revolted by the thought. So today I ventured out to see this movie for myself.

One thing I wasn’t aware of before seeing this movie was that it was done like a documentary. Yup…if you’re thinking Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity format you’re on the right track. Oh yeah and also, there’s been a lot of talk about this movie really pushing the envelope when it comes to its PG13 rating. When I hear PG13 in the same sentence as a horror movie…I am very reluctant that it will even come close to causing any kind of enjoyment from me. So here goes my thoughts…

It focuses on a handsome family man Reverend Cotton Marcus played by Patrick Fabian

who is being interviewed about his upbringing as a preacher. His father was one and thus he became one. He goes into how his faith disappeared as he got older but his fascination with exorcisms grew. He reads an article in the newspaper about how a priest suffocated a child to death who had autism, but was believed to be possessed. He then decided that although he no longer believed in God he would begin his new quest of “pretending” to perform exorcisms on children to save them from being harmed.

Reverend Cotton gets many letters from people requesting his massive exorcism expertise, which of course unbeknown to them is a huge farce and so anyway they pay out of the ass for it. So he gets a letter marked URGENT that claims a man’s daughter is possessed because she is killing all of his livestock. And so begins a venture of ‘EXORCISMIC’  fraud proportions and the camera crew gets to tag along.

As they drive up to the farm they are met by a red headed kid who tells them to turn around and leave…then proceeds to throw dirt bombs at the vehicle. Yeah I know the picture’s small but that’s him.

And so he meets the man of the house who then shows him his mutilated livestock and the bloody skirt to go along with it. So yeah, since his daughter is the only one who wears a skirt….hmmm or maybe his son may be other than something he thought, his daughter must be possessed!

Then we get to meet the girl Nell (Ashley Bell), the possessed one.

She seems very sweet and innocent. And in a little girl syrupy voice she tells them she too believes she is killing the animals, but has no recollection of doing it once it’s done.

And so the Reverend agrees that she desperately needs the demons cast from her and he is the man for the job. He proceeds to tell the father that she is possessed by a demon (I can’t remember the name) that’s defiles young innocent women and the only way to stop it is to kill her or perform the exorcism.

We see that the Reverend has many props to add to the show, which is really pretty damn funny and had me laughing. He shows us how he makes the bed shake and how he produces demonic sounds to add to the family’s awe of his exorcism capabilities.

So he performs the fake exorcism which includes lots of screaming and demonic noises and bed shaking….all falsified.

Then he collects his money (lots of it) from the father and leaves to stay overnight with the crew in a nearby hotel.

That night Nell decides to show up at the hotel in Cotton’s room and the crew is running down the hallway to get it on film. Nell is acting all stupid and sexy and trying to lick the female crew member on the shoulder….and then she spits up something that looked a lot like creamed corn…

oooooooooo scary!!

After some other happenings like:

• Slicing her brothers face with a knife
• Trying to drown her baby doll in the bathtub while making retarded infant crying noises.
  
• The crew hearing conversations in her room even though she’s the only one in there
  
• Looking like this...

 

• Acting like this...looks like football to me!
• Stealing the camera and going out into the barn and completely obliterating a cat…and all the while never dropping the camera.
  

• Never changing her filthy bloody nightgown for days on end
  

...it is decided that another exorcism is needed because HELL the first one didn’t work! So we are treated to another one YAY…only this time it’s in the barn and there are no props from Reverend Cotton. Hmmmm seems like Cotton may be getting his faith back???

This exorcism scene has a few things…..a very looooooong conversation with the Reverend while she is doing THE back bend.  She talked and gabbed.........................................

And gave an evil grin...........

ARE YA BORED YET????  yeah well so was I....

Blah blah blah…I can’t even remember what the hell she said…. 

Yeah you get the point…little did we know that she was a contortionist oooo scary!!! …..I have to admit…she does a better back-bend than I do…

Oh and if you have seen this picture around forget it because nothing of the sort ever happens.

Oh yeah and somewhere in there she also does a split…oooo scary…splits can be painful if you’re not limber!

Somewhere in there we find out that she is pregnant…and she blames it on a boy in a nearby café who upon being interviewed says he is gay and does not like those kind of holes.
Soooo HELL it must be Satan that impregnated her!

The ending takes place out in the woods at night where there is a major Satan ritual going on and Nell is lying on a table giving birth and out pops something small and red and screaming like you would think Satan’s child would ummm scream. The crew is filming this in complete astonishment.

So the head chief Satan lover in a red hooded robe takes the Satan child from between her legs and throws it into the fire and the fire plumes upward really high (not sure what that meant) and Reverend Cotton walks towards the fire holding a big giant cross saying something like “YOU BIG FAT NASTY SATAN. I’M GONNA KICK YOUR NASTY ASS AND STICK THIS CROSS UP YER HINEY!” well I don’t remember exactly what he said anyway…but he said something.

And the crew starts running away for a very long time while we get to be nauseated by all of the movement from the camera. Looked like a scene from the Blair Witch project only much worse.

Then the son pops out from behind a tree and slices the cameraman and the cameraman falls down along with the camera onto a pile of lovely stones…and the credits begin.

All I can say is….FUCK this movie sucked and it should have been rated PG. Oh yeah and no one wears a filthy nightgown better than ME!

Signed,

Filthy Regan

Originally Posted on August 28, 2010