Hey folks. Manitou here.
This is the 50th blog of the Deadbydawn horror page somewhere here on Shitter Island. What does that really mean? I guess I should ask the person that I do this page with. That would be none other than Filthy Regan herself.
Guess what, pea cake? We made 50 blogs so far.
You know what that means, right?
It means that we're halfway to 100. Which I do realize is nowhere near as cool as being halfway to Harlem or anything.
But look at it this way...... we are 616 more blogs away from having 666 blogs. Now, THAT rules.
This page is a whole lot of fun. We get to write about the very thing that brought us together. Horror movies. We're just getting warmed up because it's a long way to having those 666 blogs.
I got to thinking the other day..... I love horror movies. After all, I am the Gitche Manitou. But, I must confess that I like to unwind with some different kinds of entertainment from time to time.
I love a good comedy.
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Movies about dysfunctional people are always a fun time.
I'm usually not much of a chick flicker or a war, western, or action movie buff. But I'm down for watching whatever if it means I get to watch it with my Filthy Regan and hold her clammy and crusty hand. If the movie huffs a dog fart we can always make out.
I think any movie can benefit from having a little filth in it. We all know that The Exorcist is the elbib (that is bible spelled backwards if you're not evil or just plain stupid) of all that is movieful. I have fantasized from time to time what other movies would be like if they starred my goddess of gore and all that is pea, Miss Filthy Filthster herself. F. REGAN.
Just imagine how great certain movies would be if they added some filth and class to the production.
Pretty woman is kind of considered the bible (that which is not evil and therefore sucks does not get a backward shout out) of chick flicks.
When I think of movies that are so rich in vagina that I can almost smell them queefing from my seat, I am immediately reminded of this epic of estrogenical excrement.
Ahhhhhh, but what if?
1) Filthy Woman.
How cool would this be if it had Filthy Regan in it?
Richard Gere plays an ex-communicated priest who has taken to frequenting titty bars in a desperate attempt to ween himself off of touching altar boys. While entering an alley way bar through the back door, because the back door sounds way appealing, he sees a young girl lying in a pool of vomit while trying to scratch her back with a crucifix.
He proceeds to scratch that itch of hers and before you know it, the two of them set forth upon such adventures as levitating in the Grand Canyon and serving pea soup to starving missionaries that are camping in Central Park awaiting to be blessed by the Pope of Greenwich Village.
It's a tender love story highlighted by several moments of gooey union as Gere touches Regan in places she never knew could be touched by former clergy if you're a girl and this causes her to vomit with rapture.
I'd camp out to see this masterpeace.
I'd have to kick Richard Gere in his nards though because nobody touches Filthy Regan other than Manitou. Even in movies.
2) The Reganator.
The Terminator made Arnold Schwarzenegger a star. I think Filthy Regan would have made a more menacing threat to mankind though.
Set in the extremely distant future, Regan levitates and sets out through time in re-arranging key events from the past. Among her travels she becomes President and passes a law that forbids the manufacturing and distribution of pea soup in a can.
She builds a filthy church, writes a bestseller called Yloh Elbib, and becomes the hostess of the Filthy Regan Happy Hour and Pea Time Playhouse.
In her travels through time she is chased by the evil Tom Cruise who tries to convert her from scatology to scientology and talk her into allowing him to remake The Exorcist with himself in the role of Filthy Regan.
I think Cruise should stick to jumping on couches and leave the levitating to the pro's.
3) The Peas of Wrath.
I bet Filthy Regan could do drama better than Laurence Olivier.
Set during the great depression, Tom Joad breaks out of prison and meets a beautiful girl hitchiking on the side of the road in a dirty nightgown on Route 666.
Pursued by his evil nemisis, Axl Rose, a prison guard who used to try to make Joad drop the soap in the shower and then whistle the skin flute solo from that Patience song, the two lovers buy an old pea farm that is home to the ghost of the dirty baby doll.
Much chaos ensues as Rose and his gangbang clan show up at the farm and set out to taint the couples dreamlife by licking all of their furniture, because Rose has a Divine fetish, and coughing up giant furball tumbleweeds.
Joad and Regan attempt to dwell in the salad days even though salads do not normally have peas in them.
I forsee not a dry eye or vagina anywhere in the world where this one would be playing.
4) Pea Throat.
Nobody exudes sex-a-liscious pea appeal quite like Filthy Regan. She is mine. All mine. But if she ever wanted to make a sexy movie to tantalize and tempt the men of the world and show them all what they can never have, I would have to respect her decision for the sake of art. Besides, if she got paid a whole lot we might be able to go buy a pea farm of our very own and be drenched in soupgasms forever.
By day Filthy Regan is a librarian who specializes in translating backwards writing to morons. At night she is a dancer at the Pea Pod Bod Club.
Regan becomes a worldwide sensation under the porn name of Alot-ta Bare, but her success is threatened when the devious producer finds out that Regan is actually the daughter of Satan and once threw a short bus of nuns into the Grand Canyon. That really pisses him off because he collects short buses for transportation to and from his house parties so everybody can drop acid.
Filth prevails though because Regan discovers that the producer is actually Damien Karras, who was the bus driver and escaped at the zero hour because he mastered the art of levitating from watching infomercials.
When Regan discovers his true identity she pees on him and his flesh disintegrates because when the daughter of Satan pees on you it burns. Trust me on this one.
5) The Podfather.
The princess of peas makes the underworld an offer they can't refuse.
When her rich as Hell pappy du plenty kicks the bucket, Regan inherits all of his dough. She opens up a yeast farm and becomes obsessed with the dream of making her own line of pea cakes, pea muffins and poo pee dumplings.
The evil queen of queef, Hillary, wants to dismantle the farm and make it into a playground for blind kids. Hillary cooks up such schemes as tainting Filthy Regan's unholy water with Jesus juice and mocking possession by shape shifting herself into a pea pod. But, you can't fool Regan when it comes to her peas. Gitche Manitou knows this. In the end, so will Hillary.
This would make Marlon Brando eat raw meat and fart out his heart.
6) Pea Abnormal Activity.
You know, all these reality movies about people being hit in the head with pots and pans seem pretty damn stupid to me. They are not horror at all. I think the only way being hit in the face by a flying piece of cooking wear would be interesting could be if maybe it was a pot filled with yummy pea soup. But then that would just be awesome and not even scary in the slightest now wouldn't it? I think a movie like this would bring back slapstick though. Make it in 3-D and then the audience could find themselves seemingly doused in green soupy broth too. This could even usher in a new way to experience the movies. Pea-D. Talk about bringing sexy back!
So there you have it. The best non-horror genre movies that star Filthy Regan. She spews. She scores. She pisses on bed bugs and turns them into bed sores.
Doing this page with you has been a true joy my filthy pea cake-a-saurus. Let's keep blogging our hearts out together on the subject we know best and get all the way to 666 blogs. Then, after that comes 999 blogs. Yum.
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