I had tried everything from dating services to crags list with the hopes of meeting my dream girl. None had worked and I was beginning to think the secret to finding true love was going to be one that stayed well kept. That is, away from me. I would have never thought the answer was so simple. One day, while grocery shopping, I was standing in the produce section and down the aisle walked the most beautiful woman that my eyes had ever set upon. We played a friendly game of bumper carts and that was all she wrote.
I knew from the first minute that we met she was the one I had been searching for my whole life.
The relationship seemed to progress near perfect for about a month. I say near perfect because.... well, there was one thing that I found peculiar. We were always hanging at my place or meeting somewhere. We never went to her place. She said that she had one. But whenever the subject came up she uttered something about a crazy roommate and changed the subject. Days would go by without a word said on the matter. But it just always kept coming back up again. I confronted her about it head on one night. In the end all was revealed and it wasn't anything like what I had thought to be the case. She had kids and she was too embarrassed to tell me. I just had to laugh at that. I was running scenarios far worse than that around in my head.
We talked, then laughed, then kissed. The conversation turned out so festive she said that I absolutely had to come home with her right now and meet the kids. This got such a laugh out of me I nearly sharted my pants. Thankfully, I didn't.
When we got to her place she started to get nervous again for some reason.
"I'm worried that you will not understand," she said.
I put my arms around her and pulled her close.
"I love kids!" I said, with more relish than a hot dog at a ball game.
That got the biggest smile from her that I had ever seen.
She opened the door and when we stepped inside the first thing I smelled was the most putrid and intense fecal matter stink I had ever been exposed to. I mean, damn.... I had a friends kid shit on me once. That was nothing compared to this. I almost vomited, but I really wanted this meeting to be a good one.
"Let me see the little monsters!" I yelled.
This caused her to start crying and she pulled away from me as the door slammed shut.
I looked around for a second but then I had to squint my eyes because the shit smell was making them water.
There was a scuffling over on the floor. I walked in the living room, and even though my eyes were only barely open I could make out a few things-
-the walls were covered with-
something dark.
Shit?
Blood?
Both, maybe?
I tried to open them a little wider but it was hard. I was blinded for a second and then I nearly tripped over something-
-a loud noise!
Was that a firetruck?
A siren was going off in the room.
I couldn't stand it any longer. I forced my eyes open. No matter how painful it was I was going to see-
-something-
What the-?!
The television was on-
-it looked like there was some kind of horror movie on the screen-
I saw deformed flesh-
-I heard growling-
-then blood and screaming!
What the hell were they watching?!
A hand grabbed my leg-
I looked down-
it looked more like a claw-
I saw a face-
a green face!
It was cackling-
a demon laugh from Hell!
I felt her hand on my back as she came up behind me.
"These are my little monsters," she said.
Her voice oozed pride. Just as the faces of her kids oozed fluids. They were both green, with cracked flesh. Eyes that were way too big for the tiny skulls and sockets that held them. Their clothes were so filthy they looked as if they had been wearing them for a year.
One of them walked right up to me and rubbed its claw on my leg.
"Eggs!" It yelled with hideous glee.
As the little creature continued to scratch its claw across my leg the other one rolled over on its head and stuck its ass in the air. I felt blood on my legs from the scratching, but I was too transfixed to do anything about it.
The other thing spread its ass cheeks apart with its fingers and let loose the most horrific sounding fart I had ever heard in my entire life. With its cheeks thrust as high up as they could go the fart emitted leakage that began to spray all over the floor and wall. I was both horrified and in awe of this spectacle.
"This little guy is Oozi," She said.
I had met the woman of my dreams and these were her kids. If I wanted this relationship to work I would have to love them. As of this moment that seemed impossible.
I looked over at her and whimpered.
She was beaming with obvious pride.
"What did you do, have sex with the devil?" I squeezed through my lips, though they were pressed as tight as a tourniquet.
She laughed. It was the same demonic cackling that her kids had.
"How did you know?"
I was floored.
All their laughs amplified as they echoed in my brain. I reached down and touched the one who had been petting my legs on its head.
"Good boy," I said.
I was trying to be nice. But I really was uncomfortable. I felt as if I were petting a rabid animal.
The baby thing made a gurgling sound and then banged both its claws on my legs.
"Eggs!" It yelled again.
She slipped her arm around my waist.
"He likes you," she said.
"Ya think?" I stammered.
"Oh yes," she said,"He rarely takes to anyone. But he adores you. A mother knows these things."
I could not help but laugh at this.
Pretty soon we were all laughing.
"I'm glad you met them," she said with relief.
She bent down and picked the one clawing my legs up in her arms.
"He's my oldest. Bezzle."
She cooed into its ear.
"Bezzle meet Steven. Steven-"
She turned towards me and held the thing out as if she expected me to take it. It was covered with vomit and feces. The thought of even touching it seemed about as enticing as bathing in its fluids to me.
"-Meet Bezzle."
"He's so cute," She said, as she continued to push it towards me.
I was trying to work up my nerve to hold it.
"Yeah, he's...."
I choked back my vomit.
"-Adorable."
I looked at the two of them and tried to see a resemblance. There was none that I could see.
"He must take after his father," I gulped as I took him in my arms.
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