Most people think of Satan as a big red guy with a tail, a forked tongue, and sporting devil horns. Many people might even doubt his existence all together. But, the truth is..... Satan does exist. Believe it.
Here is a picture of Satan in his true form.
Satan walks among us, and his name is Michael Bay.
Michael Bay is a movie director, producer and Hollywood powerhouse. Kind of says it all, doesn't it? He has directed such shitty movies as Pearl Harbor, Armageddon, The Rock, the Bad Boys films with Will Smith, and those silly Transformer movies.
Besides being Satan incarnate, what does this man have to do with horror? He has a production company that has infiltrated our beloved genre by financing shitty remakes like The Hitcher(2007), The Amityville Horror(2005), and that horrid (but not in a good way) Friday the 13th nonsense that was delivered straight from his fetid majesty's celluloid anal cavity in 2009.
In recent years horror films have proven to be big business. Therefore many people that have no actual background in horror and know as much about what makes a good horror film as Tiger Woods knows about one love are reaching their greedy hands in for a slice of our scary pie.
Horror should be an exclusive club with it's membership off limits to those who don't know Jack Shit from Jack in the Box. Still, where this a dollar to be made so shall come the whores with their arms out for a fix, their mouths open for a bite, and their legs wide open just because.... well, they're whores and whores make their trade with their legs open.
On April 30th, Satan.... Satan Bay we'll call him.... will unveil his newest cinematic takeover of our oh so precious horror scene and launch a new strategy in his domination of something he simply has no right to be a part of other than the fact that he is a money grubbing mongrel and destroyer of dreams. In this case, the dreams are nightmares and they live on Elm Street.
Yes, soiling the once proud legacy of Jason Voorhees was just not enough for this evil dick dropping , and now Satan Bay will take a crack at ruining the reputation of that char-grilled wonder showman himself, Mr. Freddy Krueger.
Let us take a look back at the original Nightmare on Elm Street for a minute and recognize this brilliant achievement in horror movie history. What is possibly Wes Craven's finest moment of true guts and glory that wreaked havoc on the dreams of our youth. A figure cloaked in darkness wearing an ugly sweater and brandishing knives for fingers that sliced and diced and even made poor little Johnny Depp get sucked into his bed and spit out in a geyser of gushing delight that probably made women all around the world crave for a Plasma shake ala Depp.
But truly the most substantial achievement of this film was that it put this guy on the map for all time.
Robert Englund.
Sure, Jason wore a mask and was portrayed by multiple actors, most notable being Kane Hodder. But there was only one Freddy Krueger. Robert Fucking Englund, baby.
Until now, that is.
Look at this man.
This is Jackie Earle Haley.
Satan Bay has given our beloved villian of slumber slaughterage a new face. There is no more Robert Englund. There is no Wes Craven. The film is directed by Samuel Bayer. A music video director. Bayer's most noteworthy musical contributions are a certain Nirvana video and that stupid bee girl video.
How can this be? When will the madness stop? HOW can the madness stop? Well, I would suggest for people to boycott the fuck out of this movie, but we all know that is not going to happen. This film is most likely going to make a shitload of cash and Satan Bay is going to buy up all of our other beloved treasures and remake and exploit them as well so that he can build extensions onto his mansion in downtown Hellywood. All the while smiling ear to ear, legs spread and in the air.
I will admit that even I myself am a little curious to see this film. But we all know curiosity too well and what it did to that poor little cat, right? It flattened its pussy ass as it crossed the road and made kitty roadkill.
I certainly will not be giving Satan Bay a dollar of my money. I'm either going to sneak into the theater or download it from the internet or maybe even just wait and burn it from shitflix in direct defiance of Satan Bay's flesh made wallet and evil bank account.
Hey, if the movie does turn out to be good I will be the first one to admit it. I'll give it a chance. I'm not the one who should be pissed here though. The person who should be most pissed off about all of this is Robert Englund. Here is a guy with a legacy of one that will soon become a legacy of none.
Did you know that Robert Englund is a classically trained actor who studied at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art?
Of course not! Why would you? I didn't know it either until I googled him for this blog. All that you, me, or anybody else knows is this......
This is Robert Englund. Freddy Krueger.
In fact, I am willing to bet that all Robert Englund knows in life is being Freddy Krueger.....
He probably cuts his bagels and spreads on the cream cheese every morning with those fancy knives he pocketed from the set.....(which makes me wonder if Satan Bay will send his collection agency minions to take those fucking knives back from this poor man now. Actually.... No. I imagine that Englund can still slice his breakfast with a demonic grin and a sharp disposition because after all, this is 2010. Those new knives will probably be made of CGI plated steel.)
None of this matters though. Robert Englund was Freddy Krueger, bitch-
And now-
Satan Bay is going to take that away from him.
What is Robert Englund going to say now at all the horror conventions?
"Hi, I'm Robert Englund and I used to be Freddy Krueger until they hired some other guy to do it."
The guy is 62 years old, and has one true joy in his life and one moment of glory that nobody can take away from him. Nobody, that is.... unless you are Satan himself. Shame on you Satan Bay. Shame on you for destroying the dreams of a man who made a life out of giving people nightmares. I would damn you to the darkest corners of Hell, but you'd probably like that now wouldn't you?
****Original blog post date 3-10-2010****
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