RATS NEST

***A guest blog by Ben, the Rat Blogger. Original post date 12/8/2011***

When you humans think of a rat’s nest you think of a filthy disgusting despicable ugly dwelling where scum infected rats congregate, mate and spit out little pink squirmy babies. Well let me tell you something: A RAT’S NEST IS A STRUCTURAL WORK OF GENIUS!  I laugh sometimes when I think of ignorant humans referring to their hair as being rat’s nests.  The gross keratin that grows out of the little puffy oil pockets in your head with absolutely no effort on your part doesn’t ever come close to the beauty of one of our nests. 

A Rat's nest is more than just a mere squatting grounds or comfort zone for us vermin to rest our tails and filthy little feet at the end or beginning of any given day. It's an artform in itself. A Rat's nest can say so much about each of their builders. Yes, we build our own castles in order to rule there. In addition to impressive architectural erections this provides epic character for our otherwise considered small bodies and egos. This is more than can ever be said for humans and their miserable construction that only leads to lives filled with dysfunction and dis-illusion. Structure and creativity are essential in establishing order and worth. Besides, nests are merely temporary resting places and stepping stones to each doorway that leads us all to the next episode. What is life if one does not continue to saunter or trample the earth? All part of the Rat code. 

The houses you people build are made from press-board, Styrofoam, chicken wire, stucco material and paint.  And then they are sold for hundreds of thousands of dollars indeed.  If only you knew that you could build an abode from your own filth and waste.  We rats have perfected making our own dwellings from these materials and have adapted to the evolution of such materials over thousands of years.  These materials have become more disgusting and useful as time has slithered on.

Rat architecture has become more creative and varied over the years. There is also always room to improvise and adapt to various living conditions. Not so with humans unless one decides to run their social artillery out of a cardboard box or a car. Such options never by choice  for primarily humans live in houses and apartments. They are given many different names to shield their lack of creative stamina and structural vision. Homes. Pads. Homes are terms of endearment that hood Rats use for each other and pads are things used to soak up sprayings and spills. 

My number one material to structure a nest from would be poop.  There are so many different kinds of poop.  Each rat has his own taste as far as what type of poop he uses.  Now human poop is truly the vilest of any creature.  It’s because of all of the sick twisted things you idiots ingest.  I do really like the aroma of it once it’s been allowed to dry and crust into a hardened material. That happens after flies have sucked all of the juices out of it. After I have constructed an igloo type of dwelling with the human excrement, I really like to add some human nails to the roof, which accents the beauty of the dwelling.  Also, packing some pubic hair on the little window sills makes for a nice furry cushion for my little rat elbows to rest on as I lean out the window and take in the sites at the dump yard. It should be noted though that human poop tends to be stickier than much wildlife. I think that since animals poop on the run their textures are just more eco-friendly. Although diarrhea is fun for larger clans as kids just love all that splashing.

Elephant poop makes a great dwelling as well and is very thick in it’s aromatherapy that it provides on a daily bases.  The musty odor is ever so intoxicating.  The only problem is, this type of poop is hard to come by, unless you’re an African rat, which makes it a bit more accessible.  This kind of poop has lots of hay in it, which makes for a great base for rubbing butts up against when they get itchy from vermin infestations. The intense African climates allow for moisture and compliance enough as to not present furry tenants with suction issues. Northern donors who plop out fly bait real estate risk cooler winds and thus can cause hardening of the farteries. Even a filthy rat doesn't like to sleep on a lump of coal. Still, we do adapt and take what we can get. I know me personally I got better things to do than sit around grading shit all day. If they are offering and I'm in need a drop in the bucket is a treasure indeed.

Poop varies and therefore different types have different gripes. Plus dissipation means eviction. But overall it's the perfect place to lay in when you're trying to catch z's. Incidentally, catching z's takes on a whole new meaning when home sweet home is a hollowed out dung heap because the master of the house is treated to all the home delivery they could ask for. Since flies have such a love affair with shit the non-discriminating vermin connoisseur of cuisine is pretty much set for as long as they call the poop porch their dwelling grounds. Catching buzz z's you will be.

I once made a hideaway for myself out of an old hardened silicone breast implant.  I read in a newspaper that there was a woman downtown who thought she was getting sick from her implants, so she cut them out herself in a gory self mutilating scene, and threw them in the trash.  Well I was lucky to have picked it out of the trash; it was a size EE!  It was considerably light for its size.  You would think such a thing would make a long lasting vacation home but it was a bad idea because I could never hang out in it without a constant hard on.  Just really strange…I think they put something in those things to make any male get one when these things are hanging around.  Because they certainly don’t look right most of the time.  But what do I know? I’m just a filthy rat. 

Since there are different types of Rats there are always going to be various preferences and do-ups. Street Rats are less fickle than many breeds. Such are the perks when one is used to sleeping inside of a crusty vagrant bung-hole. The only problem with these quarters is that it becomes quite tempting to lick the walls of the anus. This is a bad trip, man. I have seen many friends victimize themselves to this shit demon. Licking these walls incapacitates us. Gotta keep moving, you know? Of course this would not present issue for sewer Rats. Those Rat bastards got all the time in the world. 

Rats are creative and quite thorough in our duty as well as our adaptation skills. Whatever we have or get .... you can believe that we will not only work with it but excel where human imbeciles fail miserably. Only as a last resort would a member of the man kind set their zip code in a cardboard box. I once found immense comfort in one of these outside of a Chinese restaurant though. To a human this might be considered putrid. Rat logic smiles a black-toothed grin on such convenience. I have used rotten sushi and even fish guts from waste dumpsters as furniture. Each produces a lovely smelling foyer.

Various forms of garbage both edible and stagnant are top notch materials to be used for building any vermin penthouse. Food really can only be used as garnish since it does eventually rot away. But Rats are down for whatever. Living conditions are always subject to change and since our survival hinges upon rolling with these changes just know that we are going to not only deal but make bank. Sometimes making bank can mean hitting the jackpot. 

I was once squatting amongst alleyway territory in a deserted mission district when a stench of most putrescent majesty overtook me so hard that I nearly found my body toppling over onto my back with all four feets toward the sky. There was a rotted corpse, apparently female and apparently stabbed to death, all snuggled in with piles of garbage in the dankest corner of the alley. Considering the section of town this was in I knew there would be no way anybody would come and remove this street trash any time soon. 

After a survey I found myself rewarded with what to this day remains the most enormous and luxurious Rat's nest that I have inhabited. A veritable utopia of living and leisure complete with an ambiance of filth and malaise that puts the most dung ridden sewer nest to shameful inferiority. From all the stab wounds the body cavity best resembled a gigantic piece of Swiss cheese. The body of this murdered harlot had now been reduced to a warehouse of fetid refuse all strung together with an elaborate duct system from all the gouges and rotted flesh debris. Her vagina and anus were immediately turned into separate party areas. One night things got out of hand and Joey Nibbles clawed through the tissue walls that divide the two areas. I was pissed at first because of all the mess but once I cooled down I realized that I now had one great big party room that emptied up into the rib cage where there were lots of structures to cling on in case things got out of hand due to any apocalyptical disturbances. You know, like earthquakes and shit.

The best thing of all was that whoever had gutted this sleaze pie left the knife protruding from her abdomen and when there would be rain storms me and the boys would use the blade as a diving board for pool parties. This made me quite popular in the circle of filth. But, as things do change and other animals start sniffing around and gobbling up on all the heapings of putrefaction I found myself left with only a hollowed out body cavity with a whole lot of soft areas and dents from being chipped in horrid weather. I have since moved well on from those days of luxury. But that is what we Rats do. We move on and we adapt and we can be known to be damn genius with our creative endeavors. 

Human beings will often be defined by their vehicles and their porn collections. If the essence of a Rat can be isolated and celebrated than it must be through examination of the most paramount expression of vermin nobility known to Rat kind. The Rat's nest. Of course by Rat I am referring to only those real and true. Not those domesticated fucks. I have known those types to make a lair from jell-o. What a bunch of stupid assholes. Jell-o is for pussies. Pudding too. Unless it's butt pudding. When butt pudding dries it will make a nice carpet for a nest. A Rat's nest. Home sweet home to filth ridden disease carrying vermin scum. Like me.