It is said that money can't buy you love. Ah, but it can buy you a new face.
Or new boobs.
Or even a new dick.
Even if your new dick is the same as the old dick, through the miracle of plastic surgery, if the price is right you can follow that inner voice in its best Bob Barker imitation and come on down under the knife.
I have often found myself kind of freaked out by plastic surgery and body modification. I mean, surgery of any kind pretty much grosses me out but taking doll parts and attaching to them to your nubs and knobs just kind of unsettles me. Don't get me wrong, if you are an amputee and need an extension... well then a helping hand can be necessary literally by applying yourself a helping hand. That's cool. How could it not be? It's the altering of what you have for vanity purposes that makes me squirm a little. In some cases, a lot.
All that slicing and dicing in the name of bigger or smaller to make it weirder or taller is just fucking gross, man.
I mean, what if you sew something on and it falls off? Or just hangs there dormant? Then what? Join a freak show, maybe?
As horrific as the idea of diddling around inside, outside or on top of our body parts seems to me you would think that someone would have made a really cool movie about these body modifications gone wrong. With all of the silly movies being made about shakey cameras capturing dishes breaking and women claiming to be possessed by Beelzebubba and turning into gymnasts the idea of altered body parts gone wrong seems like a ship that has yet to set sail to me.
I realize the movie industry does not revolve around me and therefore future plotlines won't be catering to my own personal fears anytime soon. For instance, I seriously doubt they will ever make a horror movie about a pair of really nasty looking feet terrorizing shakey camera gawkers and movie audiences.
But I mean, come on.... I can not be the only person who is creeped out by body modification surgery stuff, can I? There are many terrifying tales to be told here, folks.
Just imagine a woman who gets breast implants because she is tired of being mistaken for a little boy.
She has these two gigantic fun bags of silly cone putty placed with tender shoving care inside of her little boy ass looking breast plate and then these bags of fun pop and start to ooze toxic magma that mixes with her own body sweat and burns holes in her skin so painfully that she finds herself screaming "Owwwwwwwww. It burns." Wouldn't that be scary?
How about a guy that is tired of having his manhood referred to as "worm sized" and so then he has an extra long kielbasa prosthetically attached to his centimeter peter and then it leads him around on a murderously sensual rampage by the tip of its head in search of victims comprised of nanny nuns with the carnal appetite of cat lick school girls on ex lax and swelled up and sewed down supermodel pussy. Wouldn't that be an awesome idea for a horror flick?
Oh oh oh! I know. Maybe they could make a love story about a girl who has half of her stomach removed in efforts to be pleasantly gutted only to have it track her down and then crawl inside of her earhole while she sleeps and make her have wet dreams about mile high pizza pie and high fructose porn syrup. That would kick ass!
Well, I guess for now they won't have to attempt making any of this shit because someone finally went and made a movie about body modifications and those who do unto others only because they need the pay out. Enter a girl named Mary. American Mary.
A med student with mad surgical skills but a weeping bank account. She does what any student who is desperate and broke would do. She checks out the want ads and then heads on down to her local strip club.
While hoping to score herself a side gig entertaining horny clubbers with dicks in hand and smiles to boot she ends up performing a quickie surgery technique, pocketing five thousand dollars, and before we can say nipples be gone or dicks be bigger she is on a whole new career path. The kind that is paved with surgically removed body parts and altered skin maps. As any viewer who has seen any movie ever made would instantly realize, shit goes wrong.
This prior to blowing the fuck up like an untidy cherry bombed toilet bowel. For those wishing to wallow in the filthy doings unprepared I shall spare the spoilers by dropping the details. But oh yes, shit goes wrong and along the way there is plenty of doctor play by Nurse Mary.
One really off the wall scene involves a woman who wishes for her naked body to have the sexual un-appeal of a doll.
I have been hearing things about American Mary for quite some time. It's been called vile and entertaining, and those just happen to be two of my favorite things. Does it deliver? Well, yes and no. It's a little of both and yet not too much of either one. The first thing I would like to point out is that, no matter how horrific it looks, American Mary is not a horror movie. It's not exactly a comedy either. Though it is somewhat of a horror comedy, it really isn't. I don't know how to explain this more than by saying that it did make me laugh at times and despite being centered around something that I find absolutely repugnant it only made me cringe once. Albeit slightly, but still.
I guess because of its extreme subject matter I was thinking this film was unrated. Upon seeing the R-rating I must admit that I was rather disappointed. Those expecting a gorefest will as well be sadly left out in the cold here. As the movie played out I felt a sense of relief that it was not nearly as extreme as I had envisioned it to be though. Its lack of extremity and gore is part of its charm. The moments that are not shown being far more effective than those few that are.
American Mary is not a great film by any means. It is good though and quite entertaining. The characters are quirky and the situations these people find themselves in are quite bizarre and enjoyable for a while.
Things start quietly, blow up quickly, and as the film nears its climax, shit gets real fucked up. My biggest complaint, however, is in fact its climax. Though the film is bizarre enough to warrant being referred to as unique it seems to be an original idea that the film makers have small thoughts on how to execute said idea. The last twenty minutes or so is pretty lame. The characters themselves are interesting but their development is sadly lacking. By films end I had more questions than answers. If this was indeed the intentions of the makers of the film, well then, bravo. If it wasn't, and they seriously thought these un-thought out character sketches were working, well then..... fuck them.
I liked this movie though. I watched it all the way through without getting up and playing around on the internet or just turning it off. That alone speaks volumes. But as it went on, and I found myself being entertained, my expectations rose a little and by the final frames I felt somewhat cheated. In addition to the poor character development, I really wasn't all that crazy about where things ended up going and the ending just kind of left me feeling like I had just spent over an hour and a half looking at a portrait of flies fucking. Interesting enough to warrant my attention, but not enough to command it or keep it in place.
I still think that plastic surgery and all that body modification stuff is fucking gross. Maybe someday somebody will make a truly riveting film piece that perfectly utilizes my repulsion. Until then, there is American Mary. She's a woman with a plan and a demon with a scalpel in her hand. Junk in the trunk and baby bits don't stand a chance.
No comments:
Post a Comment