WANNA BUY SOME BUTTCRACK?

Just when you think you have seen it all when it comes to zombies . . . . . Zombie chickens, zombie babies, zombie rock and rollers, flesh eating mothers, zombie strippers, zombie hookers, zombie schoolgirls, zombie cops, zombie bikers, zombies from outer space, zombies at the prom, zombies at the mall, redneck zombies . . . . .

Zombies cutting the grass. . . . . .

Zombies playing baseball. . . . . .

Zombies working out. . . . . .

Well damnit if along comes something we have never seen before. Zombie assholes.

Buttcrack, rather. A 1998 film that is pretty much everything that you might expect from a movie called Buttcrack.

I like to think that I have fairly oddball taste in movies. Mostly because I do, according to many of my friends. Cruising the instant selections on Netflix a title like Buttcrack is certainly going to stick out. Pun completely intended. Having never heard of the film and being pretty bored, I figured I’d give it a look. Probably the first and last time I would ever say that about a buttcrack.

Buttcrack is a zombie film. It’s not really a horror movie. More so a horror comedy I guess. It’s not really that funny though and I found it kind of boring. In fact, it took me 3 sittings to get all the way through the whole damn thing.

I guess the first question should be why did I feel the need to sit through the whole movie . . . . . Well, okay . . . . Maybe the first question that should be asked is why would I even make a decision to watch a movie called Buttcrack in the first place? Boredom, remember? Well, a healthy dose of boredom and curiosity.

What really got my attention was that the movie had Mojo Nixon in it. I love Mojo. So, I thought . . . . . How bad could this be? I guess if one were to rate buttcrack on a stink scale I'd say it ranks somewhere around a taco bell fart in a closed vehicle. You know what I mean?

Not being as foul as a burger king fart and having nowhere near the danger of those McDonalds farts where you have to check yourself to make sure that you didn't just splat your yummies right back out in your shorts within seconds of swallowing the last bite.

I have always enjoyed the sweet smelling rankness of an after bite cloud expulsion when I have just gorged across the border in the throes of fourth meal ecstasy. It's particularly invigorating when I have someone in the car with me and I utilize my control of the locks and windows. After all, sharing is caring, ya know.

My expectations from watching a movie called Buttcrack were pretty much leveled somewhere right around the bung layer. Not as terrible as having runny diarrhea on a hot summer days drive into the country. But certainly not very much fun either.

In case any of you readers are on the edges of your seat and longing to know more about the plot of Buttcrack, well . . . . You are in luck. Plot is coming so stop your bumming.

Brian hates his roommate, Wade. Why? Because of Wade's buttcrack. It’s so annoying because Wade can never seem to grasp the concept of pulling up his pants and that means anybody within view of Wade is indeed . . . . In view of Wade. Anytime somebody tries to give Wade a piece of advice by making with the cover up he thinks they are checking out his ass and leaves them gaping in his smelly tracks.

Brian wishes to ask his girlfriend, Annie, to marry him and move in, but Wade is always hanging around the apartment and playing Atari and just won't leave the couple alone. I am guessing Wade's favorite game is asteroids. Bwaaaa haaaa haaaaaa . . . . . Oh, fuck it. Never mind.

Every time he tries to ask Annie for her hand in marriage, along comes Wade strutting his . . . . . Stuff. . . . . And she blows chunks everywhere. Hey, at least Brian gets to prove that his love is indeed the stuff of legend by cleaning up after his sloppy soul mate. I know I was pulling for the romantic union to . . . . Ummmm. . . . Unite. . . . And I just bet you are too as you read this. Well, okay then.

An attempt to get Wade out of the house goes sour and eventually leads to his demise and when his voodoo practicing sister finds out the truth about his accident she puts a curse on . . . . . Somebody . . . . . Not really sure. I mean, the curse seems to be on Brian because she thinks he is responsible for Wade's death. Mostly because he is. But, okay . . . . the curse states that if anybody says . . . . . the b-word. . . . . 12 times, Wade will come back from the dead and . . . . . Be wade.

Annoying in life, and even more annoying in death . . . . Wade still hasn't managed to pull his pants up and now everybody is not only treated to smelly buttcrack . . . . . But dead smelly buttcrack . . . . . In fact, any time someone looks at Wade's buttcrack they turn into a zombie. Have I wet your appetite for terror yet?

As I said earlier, the movie was pretty boring. Wade is an annoying ass hat. Blah blah blah. He dies, and comes back . . . . As a dead annoying ass hat. There is some cheesy gore at the end and of course the film is set up for a sequel. Buttcrack 2 . . . . Anyone? Anyone? Didn't think so.

I am not really sure why I didn't just skip the rest of the movie once I figured out what I was in for . . . . . As if the title alone couldn't help cue me in. You get a little bit of zombie stuff . . . . A smattering of cheesy gore fx . . . . . And a whole lot of buttcrack.

The movie wasn't a complete bust though. Mojo Nixon is very entertaining as Preacher man Bob. He supplies the only real worthwhile aspect of the entire film. He gives some great sermons and the soundtrack is littered with his music. So, I give this little piece of cinematic dung a squirty silver dollar sized nugget for having Mojo Nixon being . . . . Mojo Nixon.

At another of Wade's funeral attempts Mojo rails "Now god, I done said all I had to say at brother Wade's first funeral.  I just hope you can call him home this time so we don't have to kill him and go through this all over again. " Great stuff. Almost makes the movie worth a look. Almost.

It was also quite . . . . . Unrefreshing to find out that this film is somewhat of a local masterpiece for me. Make that an assterpeace. Filmed in Arcola, Virginia . . . . Which is about a half hour outside of DC.

Niiiiice. So, DC is not only the crack capital of the world . . . . It is also the literal . . . . . Crack capital of the world now.

If you're looking for a good zombie flick, there are certainly many thousands of smarter choices. If you want to see a well done horror comedy, might I suggest Student bodies or Zombieland? Even if you want to enjoy Mojo Nixon, the guy has plenty of cds that are a far greater experience than this chunk of ass candy.

Although, if for some reason you find yourself craving some buttcrack . . . . Say it twelve times and maybe Wade will pay you a visit.

***Original blog post date 9/5/2010***

AIN'T NO GOLD FISH AIN'T NO TUNA FISH AIN'T NO TROUT

Just one look at any local multiplex and it is painfully obvious that unnecessary remakes are not going anywhere anytime soon. They have hellspawned and multiplied all across the nations movie screens and just when you think they might have killed any hope of ever spending a remotely entertaining night out at the movies, we have now been handed down an entirely new beast to contend with.

The needless and soon to be un-avoidable resurgence of 3-D cinema.

Myself personally, I have never partaken in the rapture of viewing a 3-D movie. This might certainly have much to do with the fact that I wear glasses and find the idea of having to wear another pair of glasses on top of my own quite uncomfortable. It’s quite annoying in its discomfort actually, and even before the movie starts I have already lowered my Richter scale reading of having a pleasurable film experience.

Beyond this all too relevant idiosyncrasy that I have to live with if I want to actually enjoy the simplicity of vision, I find it rather irritating to have shit thrown at my face from the movie screen. After all, correct me if I am wrong . . . . isn't what happens on the movie screen indeed supposed to stay on the movie screen?

But I am a single pea in a movie going pod and since this 3-D stuff has proven to be big business, as with the remakes, it seems to be here to stay. Since I only seem to actually find anything playing at the local theater that beckons me roughly once a year, I suppose an hour and a half of being uncomfortable every year or so is not that bad. Hell, maybe some day I’ll actually see a movie that is worth the discomfort.

One of the newest efforts on both counts here is Piranha 3-D. A 3-D remake!

If you have seen the trailer then you no doubt have been promised boobs and blood, and I will announce straight up front here that these expectations are handed directly into the viewers face on a silver platter.

As a guy and a horror fan to boot, I happen to love both boobs and blood. What guy doesn't? But I am not so easily won over and it takes a lot more than these two things to capture my undivided attention.

As much as I hate these remakes for the most part, there can exist herein two different categories. That which is touchable and those that shall forever remain untouchable. Obviously John Carpenter’s masterpiece Halloween, tops the latter category and Rob Zombie can burn in Hell for his sin of disgracing this beloved genre classic.

Joe Dante is a brilliant director in his own rite, and I did love his original 1978 Piranha film, but even I can recognize the fact that any movie, remake or not, about flesh eating fish is a welcomed addition to my viewing participation. So, with that stuff out of the way I found that I could get down to business and accept this film on its own merits.

Speaking of directors, director Alexandre Aja has proven himself a more than competent enough master in the genre, so that was a plus sign for me when I saw this film was playing at the local movie theater. Aja can be forgiven for his dismal Hills have Eyes remake for the simple fact that he crafted one of my personal favorite horror films of the last ten years, Haute Tension aka High Tension.

Add to all this a truly great b-movie cast and I was actually feeling a tinge of something that I haven't felt sitting in a movie chair prior to the lights dimming in many years. Pre-feature excitement. This of course was notched down a bit once I had to put on those silly glasses. But I have already covered my feelings on this, and so I was ready to see me some titties and blood.

The film opens with a fisherman out on a lake. In a nod to Jaws he is singing along to the song "show me the way to go home", and upon closer inspection the fisherman is revealed to be none other than Richard Dreyfuss himself.

Since Jaws is my all time favorite film, I got quite a big kick from this. There is an underwater tremor and the bottom of the sea opens up and frees schools of piranha that proceed to tenderize Dreyfuss right down to the bone.

From here we are treated to the typical story of a town overrun with hoards of half naked drunk college kids on Spring break that are more likely to become fish food than to graduate college.

A minor distraction for me was the length of time the film spends in getting to the gory happenings in lieu of character and plot build up. Seriously . . . . Leave the plotlines and character development behind and bring the carnage. Now. Still, the film does have some fun getting to where it needs to go with some of the cast acting it up and . . . . . Did I mention there are lots of boobs?

The lead character, Jake, is played by Steven R.  McQueen, who just so happens to be the grandson of screen legend Steve McQueen.

Jake's mom and the town sheriff is played by Elisabeth Shue. Yes, miss wax on wax off Karate kid herself and the babysitter that you should never "fuck with."

Jake has promised sheriff mom that he will watch his younger siblings while she works overtime during Spring break.

Of course, the temptation to miss all the action proves too much as he is hired on as a location scout for an obnoxious coked up porno director, who is played by Jerry O' Connell.

A seismologist crew is called in to investigate the underwater tremor, and after the sheriff and her deputy, played by Ving Rhames, find the fishy chew toy that used to be Richard Dreyfuss, they start to become curious. In an even further nod to Jaws the Dreyfuss character is revealed to have been named Matt. As in Matt Hooper.

Upon a diving excursion, the seismologists discover a cavern opened up from the earthquake that gives way to a prehistoric lake underneath the lake. One of the divers finds a lair that houses several egg stalks and as soon as he lights a flare to get a better view the fish come feeding. Both divers become TV dinners for these monster fish and the sheriff and head seismologist guy set towards the partying calvalcade of potential snackie bites.

First they pull off a stray fish that was chowing down heartedly on one of the divers and take it to a marine biologist, played by Christopher Lloyd in a role that is not too far off from his Doc Brown character in the Back to the Future trilogy.

Meanwhile, Jake has set sail on the boat of whores and his younger brother and sister, whom he bribed to stay home, have found themselves stranded on an island in the middle of the water. After the buildup though, things do get quite meaty.

A movie like Piranha 3-D makes no false claims about what its intentions are. It’s about man eating fish. Once things get going, there is plenty of bodies torn to shreds and of course being in 3-D, we get to have copious amounts of body parts dangling in our faces.

As I stated before, I am unimpressed with the 3-D gimmick. I believe this aspect of the film is poorly executed and lessens the impact of the movie as a whole. The underwater scenes are murky. The fish are just plain stupid looking.

The violence, even though plentiful and quite gory at times, looks rather silly more so than being effective. Had Piranha 3-D not been in 3-D, I surely would have enjoyed it better. Still, the movie delivers on all counts for any expectations that one might have going into it. This being the gore and stuff.

The cast added a lot to my enjoyment. All the previously mentioned players, as well as Adam Scott as the head seismologist and horror director Eli Roth as a wet t-shirt contest judge.

This movie is a b-movie to all extremes. B-movie in its natural element as well as the massive amounts of boobs and buckets of blood it delivers.

The 3-D works against the movie for me and I would have enjoyed it much more had the film makers forgone this annoying gimmick. Things are only made worse by the putrescence that is CGI. I despise both on their own accord, but together they just don't work at all for me. Hey, 3-D & CGI! F-U!

For anybody who actually enjoys the 3-D gimmick there are several scenes that will most likely be quite appealing. An underwater love scene between two nude women tops the nudity in your face moments.

As for the body parts that are waved into our faces and over our seats from the screen, the undisputed king here is the over the top spectacle of not only having a severed penis floating into the audience but having a fish come along and chug it down, only to regurgitate it, partially eaten, back out.

Overall though, Piranha 3-D was enjoyable enough to warrant a viewing. Of course there will be a sequel, judging from the ending. Truthfully, from what is revealed at the end of the film about the fish, I might have to pass on the sequel as it will most likely be completely ridiculous.

The state of film these days is pretty dismal. Not only was every movie advertised in the trailers in 3-D, but they were all sequels.

More sequels. More remakes. More 3-D. No thanks.

Still, if you're looking for a fun night out at the movies and the glasses are not too uncomfortable for you and you are not put further off by the hefty price tag (I paid nearly 15 bucks to see this 3-D X-D something or other experience), then Piranha 3-D is fun enough. Nothing brilliant or spectacular by any means. But if you are in the mood for some laughs along with being treated to mounds of boobs and gallons of blood being thrown in your face, this is the movie for you. 

***Original blog post date 8/26/2010***

THE TALL MAN WANTS TO TOSS YOUR SALAD

It’s hard to pick the greatest or scariest movie of all time. I mean, with all those classics to choose from . . . . How does one narrow the pick down to one ultimate champion of fright and delight? Easy. You don't. There is just simply too many movies that I enjoy far too much and I’d feel like a boob leaving one of them out.

But, I do feel like writing something. So, maybe I’ll just pick a film . . . . Any film . . . . One of the Greats. One of the true classics of horror cinema. One that I feel is underrated due to it hardly ever gets mentioned when I hear people talking about horror movie classics.

I have often times heard the Exorcist referred to as the most terrifying movie ever made. You'll never hear me complain about that one as it stars my goddess of pea herself, Filthy Regan. But when it would come down to waxing over a particular film experience, this one always gets pea flavored accolades all around the soup table.

Same with Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This one is absolutely in my top five of all time. Hell, it’s in my top three. But once again . . . . Everybody picks this one to spooge movie jizz all over.

I want to write about something that rarely gets recognized for being one of the greatest films ever made. A film that when people are asked "What are your favorite horror movies of all time?" always seems to be overlooked for more well known fare like The Omen, A Nightmare on Elm street, Night of the living Dead, Rosemary's baby or any number of films that would star Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing or Vincent Price.

One of the truly most brilliant, scary, and downright fun movie experiences that has ever rolled out across a movie screen and thrilled and entertained fans of real horror worldwide for the last thirty years.





Phantasm.

Released upon an unsuspecting public in March of 1979, this film certainly is considered primitive in its special effects technology, but when it comes to being a balls out and rocking good time, the movie hasn't aged a single day.

The true measure of a horror classic is the ability to watch them again and again and still find yourself thrilled to pieces with each consecutive viewing. For me, Phantasm is such a masterpiece.

I rarely hear people drop this one as they rattle off their list of genre favorites. But make no mistake about it . . . . . Phantasm has every right to be on any best of the bunch list right alongside all the previously mentioned and far more recognized titles.

In terms of plot, the film keeps it simple. The action keeps flying at us at a frenzied pace and before we know it, we hear that last uttering of "Boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" and our minds have been blown apart once again.

Many films are often remembered for their contributions to pop culture. Most people can't tell one Friday the 13th film from the other. . . . Quick! Which part had Arnold Horshack get killed by Jason in the opening scene? Part 6. Jason lives. Sure, it’s hard to tell one of those movies from the other. Aren't most of them the same movie anyway? For the record though, part one and part four rule. My opinion.

But, Friday the 13th is a worldwide phenomenon. . . . . Not for its dazzling plotlines or brilliant acting . . . . . Not even for all those breasts . . . . . Quick! What is the sum total of all the breasts bared for all eleven films? (Fuck you, I’m not counting that shitty remake!) Okay. . . Sorry, I have no idea. Let’s just say a hell of a lot.

Everybody knows who Jason is though. Hell, my friends pre-schooler children knew who Jason was just as well as they knew who Santa Claus was. In fact, they would probably be happier to see Jason under the Shitmas tree because they thought he was way cooler.

Nobody can escape the legacy of Freddy Krueger. He is instantly recognizable by the sight of his charred flesh or those crafty finger knives . . . . Or even the sound of his voice.

Chucky wants to play. Another well known pop culture icon. A fucking doll. Eh, I never dug that whole thing. Throw that pint sized ass nugget in the toilet where he belongs.

Leatherface didn't even have to speak to terrify audiences everywhere. All he had to do was squeal a little and fire up that chainsaw and panties were soiled.

Now, Phantasm . . . . . Phantasm gave us two . . . . . Count 'em. . . . . Two. . . . . . Pop culture icons.

Maybe not as well known as Michael Myers or any of those fucks but if you're a real horror fan you know the tall man.

Seriously, has there ever been a nemesis cooler than Angus Scrimm's tall man? He almost makes old people seem really cool. Oh, and believe me . . . . This guy is old.

The tall man is actually Jebediah Morningside, the kindly soul and proprietor of the Morningside funeral home and Mausoleum Empire. Okay, I made up the kind soul part. If the tall man does in fact have a soul, you can best believe that its blacker than any plague.

Just exactly who and what the tall man is shall not even be revealed until later installments of the Phantasm franchise.

One of the coolest things about the original film on its own unique merits is that it doesn't really give you any information or back-story on the tall man and those cuddly little dwarfs that run around in monk costumes.

They're obviously from another planet. That’s about all you get. Phantasm is not about answers or blah-blah-blah. It’s about knocking you right out of your chair, and even all of these years later it still does it to me every single time I watch it.

Oh, and the other cool as hell pop culture icon?

Those spheres that patrol the halls of the mausoleum. Should you ever find your head on the receiving end of those razor sharp knife thingies that pop out once the ball attaches itself to your skull, you will find yourself in a most inconvenient position and unable to kiss your ass goodbye. Don't worry, the tall man probably plays one of those tiny violins for your sorry ass.

In addition to the tall man, we get one of the coolest ice cream men that ever drove one of them nifty trucks. Reggie.

Played by actor and musician, Reggie Bannister, he is one of my all time favorite horror movie heroes. I have met Reggie and used to check out his band at the Chiller Theater conventions in New Jersey back in the 90's and he is a hell of a nice guy and a great musician off the screen.

In the 80's and the 90's would follow three sequels. I’ll be honest here . . . . I’m not at all fond of those three films. If you want facts and answers they do certainly delve deeper into the origins behind the tall man character. But these films seem to contradict the spirit and appeal of the first film.

I enjoyed the fact that Phantasm doesn't really lay everything out for the viewer. It’s a popcorn film. It’s a thrill ride. It’s a whole lot of fun and it barely stops to catch its breath in its frenetic journey towards the end.

Even this ending can instill a sense of conflict within the viewer. Some would certainly see it as a cry out for a continuation. Among those being director and creator, Don Coscarelli, who couldn't resist the temptation to soil one of the greatest films of all time with three inferior sequels.

The adventures would continue, sure. But in my mind I am still being pulled from my movie seat straight into that mirror where I am on my way to Morningside to be made into a dwarf.

A good horror film elicits thrills and joy. It races the heart and gets the blood pumping. A great horror film is an all too  rare find these days, but when we see one we find ourselves smiling from ear to ear just mentioning them to friends.

A horror classic . . . . . that is something that we movie fans might never see the likes of again. Everything that is released today seems to be a remake or a sequel. Classics are films that we may have seen a hundred times. We know them inside out. There are no longer any secrets when we watch them. But we never tire of them. We can pull them out any day of the week and watch them as many times as we choose, and the gut wrenching and eye popping goods shall be hand delivered to us from our TV screens every single time. The original 1979 film Phantasm is such a film. A true classic in every sense of the word. If you have seen it, then you know exactly what I mean. If you haven't seen it . . . . Why are you even reading this anyway?

***Original blog post date 9/23/2010***