I DREAM STANDING UP AND I PEE SITTING DOWN

Most people think of Satan as a big red guy with a tail, a forked tongue, and sporting devil horns. Many people might even doubt his existence all together. But, the truth is..... Satan does exist. Believe it.

Here is a picture of Satan in his true form.

Satan walks among us, and his name is Michael Bay.

Michael Bay is a movie director, producer and Hollywood powerhouse. Kind of says it all, doesn't it? He has directed such shitty movies as Pearl Harbor, Armageddon, The Rock, the Bad Boys films with Will Smith, and those silly Transformer movies.

Besides being Satan incarnate, what does this man have to do with horror? He has a production company that has infiltrated our beloved genre by financing shitty remakes like The Hitcher(2007), The Amityville Horror(2005), and that horrid (but not in a good way) Friday the 13th nonsense that was delivered straight from his fetid majesty's celluloid anal cavity in 2009.

In recent years horror films have proven to be big business. Therefore many people that have no actual background in horror and know as much about what makes a good horror film as Tiger Woods knows about one love are reaching their greedy hands in for a slice of our scary pie.

Horror should be an exclusive club with it's membership off limits to those who don't know Jack Shit from Jack in the Box. Still, where this a dollar to be made so shall come the whores with their arms out for a fix, their mouths open for a bite, and their legs wide open just because.... well, they're whores and whores make their trade with their legs open.

On April 30th, Satan.... Satan Bay we'll call him.... will unveil his newest cinematic takeover of our oh so precious horror scene and launch a new strategy in his domination of something he simply has no right to be a part of other than the fact that he is a money grubbing mongrel and destroyer of dreams. In this case, the dreams are nightmares and they live on Elm Street.

Yes, soiling the once proud legacy of Jason Voorhees was just not enough for this evil dick dropping , and now Satan Bay will take a crack at ruining the reputation of that char-grilled wonder showman himself, Mr. Freddy Krueger.

Let us take a look back at the original Nightmare on Elm Street for a minute and recognize this brilliant achievement in horror movie history. What is possibly Wes Craven's finest moment of true guts and glory that wreaked havoc on the dreams of our youth. A figure cloaked in darkness wearing an ugly sweater and brandishing knives for fingers that sliced and diced and even made poor little Johnny Depp get sucked into his bed and spit out in a geyser of gushing delight that probably made women all around the world crave for a Plasma shake ala Depp.

But truly the most substantial achievement of this film was that it put this guy on the map for all time.

Robert Englund.

Sure, Jason wore a mask and was portrayed by multiple actors, most notable being Kane Hodder. But there was only one Freddy Krueger. Robert Fucking Englund, baby.

Until now, that is.

Look at this man.

This is Jackie Earle Haley.

Satan Bay has given our beloved villian of slumber slaughterage a new face. There is no more Robert Englund. There is no Wes Craven. The film is directed by Samuel Bayer. A music video director. Bayer's most noteworthy musical contributions are a certain Nirvana video and that stupid bee girl video.

How can this be? When will the madness stop? HOW can the madness stop? Well, I would suggest for people to boycott the fuck out of this movie, but we all know that is not going to happen. This film is most likely going to make a shitload of cash and Satan Bay is going to buy up all of our other beloved treasures and remake and exploit them as well so that he can build extensions onto his mansion in downtown Hellywood. All the while smiling ear to ear, legs spread and in the air.

I will admit that even I myself am a little curious to see this film. But we all know curiosity too well and what it did to that poor little cat, right? It flattened its pussy ass as it crossed the road and made kitty roadkill.

I certainly will not be giving Satan Bay a dollar of my money. I'm either going to sneak into the theater or download it from the internet or maybe even just wait and burn it from shitflix in direct defiance of Satan Bay's flesh made wallet and evil bank account.

Hey, if the movie does turn out to be good I will be the first one to admit it. I'll give it a chance. I'm not the one who should be pissed here though. The person who should be most pissed off about all of this is Robert Englund. Here is a guy with a legacy of one that will soon become a legacy of none.

Did you know that Robert Englund is a classically trained actor who studied at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art?

Of course not! Why would you? I didn't know it either until I googled him for this blog. All that you, me, or anybody else knows is this......

This is Robert Englund. Freddy Krueger.

In fact, I am willing to bet that all Robert Englund knows in life is being Freddy Krueger.....

He probably cuts his bagels and spreads on the cream cheese every morning with those fancy knives he pocketed from the set.....(which makes me wonder if Satan Bay will send his collection agency minions to take those fucking knives back from this poor man now. Actually.... No. I imagine that Englund can still slice his breakfast with a demonic grin and a sharp disposition because after all, this is 2010. Those new knives will probably be made of CGI plated steel.)

None of this matters though. Robert Englund was Freddy Krueger, bitch-

And now-

Satan Bay is going to take that away from him.

What is Robert Englund going to say now at all the horror conventions?

"Hi, I'm Robert Englund and I used to be Freddy Krueger until they hired some other guy to do it."

The guy is 62 years old, and has one true joy in his life and one moment of glory that nobody can take away from him. Nobody, that is.... unless you are Satan himself. Shame on you Satan Bay. Shame on you for destroying the dreams of a man who made a life out of giving people nightmares. I would damn you to the darkest corners of Hell, but you'd probably like that now wouldn't you?

****Original blog post date 3-10-2010****

CUTTING THE FAT WITH AMERICAN MARY

It is said that money can't buy you love. Ah, but it can buy you a new face.

Or new boobs.

Or even a new dick.

Even if your new dick is the same as the old dick, through the miracle of plastic surgery, if the price is right you can follow that inner voice in its best Bob Barker imitation and come on down under the knife.

I have often found myself kind of freaked out by plastic surgery and body modification. I mean, surgery of any kind pretty much grosses me out but taking doll parts and attaching to them to your nubs and knobs just kind of unsettles me. Don't get me wrong, if you are an amputee and need an extension... well then a helping hand can be necessary literally by applying yourself a helping hand. That's cool. How could it not be? It's the altering of what you have for vanity purposes that makes me squirm a little. In some cases, a lot.

All that slicing and dicing in the name of bigger or smaller to make it weirder or taller is just fucking gross, man.

I mean, what if you sew something on and it falls off? Or just hangs there dormant? Then what? Join a freak show, maybe?

As horrific as the idea of diddling around inside, outside or on top of our body parts seems to me you would think that someone would have made a really cool movie about these body modifications gone wrong. With all of the silly movies being made about shakey cameras capturing dishes breaking and women claiming to be possessed by Beelzebubba and turning into gymnasts the idea of altered body parts gone wrong seems like a ship that has yet to set sail to me.

I realize the movie industry does not revolve around me and therefore future plotlines won't be catering to my own personal fears anytime soon. For instance, I seriously doubt they will ever make a horror movie about a pair of really nasty looking feet terrorizing shakey camera gawkers and movie audiences.

But I mean, come on.... I can not be the only person who is creeped out by body modification surgery stuff, can I? There are many terrifying tales to be told here, folks.

Just imagine a woman who gets breast implants because she is tired of being mistaken for a little boy.

She has these two gigantic fun bags of silly cone putty placed with tender shoving care inside of her little boy ass looking breast plate and then these bags of fun pop and start to ooze toxic magma that mixes with her own body sweat and burns holes in her skin so painfully that she finds herself screaming "Owwwwwwwww. It burns." Wouldn't that be scary?

How about a guy that is tired of having his manhood referred to as "worm sized" and so then he has an extra long kielbasa prosthetically attached to his centimeter peter and then it leads him around on a murderously sensual rampage by the tip of its head in search of victims comprised of nanny nuns with the carnal appetite of cat lick school girls on ex lax and swelled up and sewed down supermodel pussy. Wouldn't that be an awesome idea for a horror flick?

Oh oh oh! I know.  Maybe they could make a love story about a girl who has half of her stomach removed in efforts to be pleasantly gutted only to have it track her down and then crawl inside of her earhole while she sleeps and make her have wet dreams about mile high pizza pie and high fructose porn syrup. That would kick ass!

Well, I guess for now they won't have to attempt making any of this shit because someone finally went and made a movie about body modifications and those who do unto others only because they need the pay out. Enter a girl named Mary. American Mary.

A med student with mad surgical skills but a weeping bank account. She does what any student who is desperate and broke would do. She checks out the want ads and then heads on down to her local strip club.

While hoping to score herself a side gig entertaining horny clubbers with dicks in hand and smiles to boot she ends up performing a quickie surgery technique, pocketing five thousand dollars, and before we can say nipples be gone or dicks be bigger she is on a whole new career path. The kind that is paved with surgically removed body parts and altered skin maps. As any viewer who has seen any movie ever made would instantly realize, shit goes wrong.

This prior to blowing the fuck up like an untidy cherry bombed toilet bowel. For those wishing to wallow in the filthy doings unprepared I shall spare the spoilers by dropping the details. But oh yes, shit goes wrong and along the way there is plenty of doctor play by Nurse Mary.

One really off the wall scene involves a woman who wishes for her naked body to have the sexual un-appeal of a doll.

I have been hearing things about American Mary for quite some time. It's been called vile and entertaining, and those just happen to be two of my favorite things. Does it deliver? Well, yes and no. It's a little of both and yet not too much of either one. The first thing I would like to point out is that, no matter how horrific it looks, American Mary is not a horror movie. It's not exactly a comedy either. Though it is somewhat of a horror comedy, it really isn't. I don't know how to explain this more than by saying that it did make me laugh at times and despite being centered around something that I find absolutely repugnant it only made me cringe once. Albeit slightly, but still.

I guess because of its extreme subject matter I was thinking this film was unrated. Upon seeing the R-rating I must admit that I was rather disappointed. Those expecting a gorefest will as well be sadly left out in the cold here. As the movie played out I felt a sense of relief that it was not nearly as extreme as I had envisioned it to be though. Its lack of extremity and gore is part of its charm. The moments that are not shown being far more effective than those few that are.

American Mary is not a great film by any means. It is good though and quite entertaining. The characters are quirky and the situations these people find themselves in are quite bizarre and enjoyable for a while.

Things start quietly, blow up quickly, and as the film nears its climax, shit gets real fucked up. My biggest complaint, however, is in fact its climax. Though the film is bizarre enough to warrant being referred to as unique it seems to be an original idea that the film makers have small thoughts on how to execute said idea. The last twenty minutes or so is pretty lame. The characters themselves are interesting but their development is sadly lacking. By films end I had more questions than answers. If this was indeed the intentions of the makers of the film, well then, bravo. If it wasn't, and they seriously thought these un-thought out character sketches were working, well then..... fuck them.

I liked this movie though. I watched it all the way through without getting up and playing around on the internet or just turning it off. That alone speaks volumes. But as it went on, and I found myself being entertained, my expectations rose a little and by the final frames I felt somewhat cheated. In addition to the poor character development, I really wasn't all that crazy about where things ended up going and the ending just kind of left me feeling like I had just spent over an hour and a half looking at a portrait of flies fucking. Interesting enough to warrant my attention, but not enough to command it or keep it in place.

I still think that plastic surgery and all that body modification stuff is fucking gross. Maybe someday somebody will make a truly riveting film piece that perfectly utilizes my repulsion. Until then, there is American Mary. She's a woman with a plan and a demon with a scalpel in her hand. Junk in the trunk and baby bits don't stand a chance.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO PEA HAP-PEA BIRTHDAY FROM ME

Today is the birthday of one that's most vile-
a holiday so filthy, never going out in style.
She's filled with the love that is only for me-
brought back up in chunks 'til I'm covered in pea.
But today when she spews-
I shall spew back-
chunks of my own-
so fetid and black.
With gore splattered wishes, enough to fill bowls-
I post here my love as I'm swallowing souls-
and when comes a gurgle, so next shall come grime-
Happy Birthday to my filthster, for she is my chime-
and together we play-
a song everlasting-
made of hotness and horror, soaked in pea colored blasting.
So shall all of you hail, Birthday wishes of gore-
Happy Birthday Filthy Regan
for forever and more!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO FILTHY REGAN!

WITH LOVE AND STUFF,

FROM THE GITCHE MANITOU.

Filthy Bobble!

I just wanted to let all of you putrid God fearing people know out there that Filthy Regan has reached a monumental celebrity status!  I now have my own bobble head made in my likeness!

Check out the cross and the bit of pea soup spew plopped next to my bed.

MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MOMMY PLEASE!!!!

 Look at my neck…wow it’s seriously twisted!

HELP ME HELP ME!!!!!

 Oh and here is the demonic plaything in action…even the bed shakes and quakes along with my head.  What more could I ask for?

I am truly honored to have this gorgeous depiction of filth and fear that ever existed between the sheets in bobble head format.  You should all get one today as it seriously will look captivating festooned on any shelf, table or dashboard!

Signed, 

Filthy Regan

The Stunning Art of Mock Brutality

I am always one to be looking for a horror film with cheesy gore that just makes you laugh because it’s so over the top or fake looking like when the blood looks like cherry Kool-Aid or thick bright red paint; I love that kind of stuff.  But by the same token I am also looking for the horrific gore that has the real factor going on.  I tend to have an extremely critical eye when it comes to gore that tries to be real, and I pick it apart down to the last bit of scalp or brains that get splattered or sliced.

My sexy beast Manitou has been telling me for quite some time now that I absolutely have to see a French movie called High Tension (2003)

as it is one of his all time favorite gory horror films and is a must see.  Well, I finally had the chance to sit down and watch this film, and I must say that it was absolutely perfect in the realistic factor.  As a matter of fact, this movie lives up to its title, and then some.

It is a cat and mouse type of slasher movie with a really bizarre twist at the end that I will not give away.  So for this blog, all I am going to do is give you a quick background and then go through some gore scenes from the movie in all of its splendor.

The movie is about a woman named Maria that is staying as a guest in her friend Alexa’s family’s house.  On the first night of her stay, a man knocks at the door wearing a bland gray mechanics jumpsuit and with a bloated red expressionless face.  He then proceeds to murder the family, one by one in various monstrous ways with the exception of Alexa which he ties up and kidnaps, and Maria who is the mouse in the cat and mouse chase.

This movie has three of the best gore scenes in my opinion.  One of them is the best throat-slitting scene I have ever seen.  Everything is perfect with the way it was put together.  Nothing I have ever seen comes close to how alarming and realistic it is.  Hats off to the people who created it.  I’m sure it took a lot of effort. 

So, I am going to show you two gore scenes in the videos below.  I made the recordings myself so it is not high quality.  Consider this a strong warning that they are EXTREMELY over the top hardcore disturbing, very realistic and involve violence to the highest degree in scenes depicting torture and hideously brutal murders with copious amount of BLOOD.  In other words, they are masterful works of movie art.

This video shows the best decapitation I have ever seen.  I cannot find one criticism for it other than that beast of a man had to be as strong as an ox, in order to push that piece of furniture forcefully enough to do what he did.

And here's my favorite part in the movie where the sick murderous bastard get a barbed face!

Cheers to the bloody stunning art of mock brutality!

 

Signed,

Filthy Regan

Originally Posted on January 10, 2011